oldgreeneyes

Observe - Nonjudgmentally
Describe - One-mindfully
Particpate - Effectively

These are hard for me to do but, I need to do 'em. All the time.

It's been a rough week. I got bitter after my dad rejected me b/c I no longer believe in god. Now I'm trying to do the above and figure out what the wisest thing to do about it. He will not talk to me at all until I believe in god. He's 70+ years old and lives in BFE Oklahoma. I personally don't care whether or not I see or talk to him again but, my daughter does. She loves him and wants to see him and my mom and they want to see her. My daughter lives in Ohio and I live in Seattle. Last year we flew to Oklahoma, meeting there, and spent a week with my parents. It was the first time they'd seen her in years. They don't make an effort to see her otherwise. So, I paid for her ticket to meet me there so they and her could meet again and spend time with each other immediately after Christmas. We were going to do it again this year but, my dad doesn't want me visiting him until I believe in god. They're willing to let my daughter visit them but, my ex-wife won't let her travel alone. Hence, if I'm not meeting her there, then she can't go. No. That's not true, either. I guess she'd let her fly to Oklahoma if my parents picked her up but, who would pick up the price of the ticket? Well, if I'm not going to see my daughter in the process, I'm not interested in paying for the ticket. I'm not rich enough to be so generous as to pay for my daughter's solo trip to Oklahoma. So, I decided to ditch Oklahoma and just visit my daughter by myself in Ohio.
Now, I'm rather okay with that at the moment but, I sort of feel like I'm being selfish in some way. Hmm? Maybe that's being judgmental towards myself, which I shouldn't do.
Alright. I feel like it's not effective for me to be stubborn and stop trying to work things out with my dad. I could easily lie to him and say, I believe in god. I'm sorry. Now can we visit together? Because, I think he would not analyze the situation too much and that would actually, really be all there is to it. But, then of course I'd be lying, which I hate doing, because I would not be true to myself and that is just always rather excruciating to me. So, I'm conflicted a little. Don't lie or speak anymore to him and never see eachother again, or, Lie, apologize, and put on an act in order to see him with my daughter, a man I detest and despise and don't want my daughter to learn from because I think he is (and this is so judgmental of me) ignorant, rude, ignorant, vile, racist, ignorant, boring, a hypocrite, loud, disrespectful, ignorant, violent, abusive, and ignorant. Okay. I actually hate this man and I feel bad in doing so. Really bad, because I don't like hating anyone. I don't want to hate anyone. I want to not hate him or anyone. I want to figure out how to not hate him despite his rejection towards me, his stubborness and refusal to communicate at all, and his own hatred towards me.

This is hard. But, it's my task at hand.

I've been bitter all week, since returning from my vacation, because of this. My daughter doesn't know, or need to know the details (right) about our change of plans this winter but, I'm having a hard time letting it go despite the fact that I'm saving money and grief by not visiting him in the long run. I'll actually have a better time, myself, by not going to see him with her. But, I still feel a little guilty in taking this easy way out. Am I just a freak or what?

If you read all of this, I think you are amazing and I give you cyber hugs and kisses galore. And if you did not, that's okay. I'm cool with that, b/c I know one's patience can only go so far when reading blogs/journals.

peace to you either way,