The word forgiveness bothers me. It means, I think it does, how would I know, to intentionally stop being angry at somebody else. As if turning off anger, intentionally, mentally, was healthy. I dont think its wise to turn off ones emotions, especially anger. Emotions are not a persons fault. Thats important information, and yet its easy to want other people to have particular emotions and to blame them when they dont have the right ones. Forgiveness though, perhaps that definition is a bit simple and forgiveness actually is way different. Is forgiveness sometimes a default condition. Is forgiveness what happens when your not able to feel like youve been harmed anymore, like youre a victim, even if according to every sacred book of truth youve been sorely used, and theres a chart on the wall explaining in detail why you're the better person overall. I dont mean getting wise, I mean not being able to take it, giving up on the whole situation of hating somebody for how they are, not able to bear the whole awful weight of it on your heart, too aware of the direction that it leads, i.e. right where one already is and unhappy about it. Just when theres no more strength to blame the assholes with, you collapse and by default forgive them. So if youre too exhausted to feel like a victim, then youre already close to forgiveness proper. And people can be angry at the person still and thats great, but if they cant feel like a victim for very long, then forgiveness has already happened in a sense? No, that's wrong. There are some people I will not forgive ever in my life if I can help it. I come back to it every now and then, just to test it, to see if I could forgive. But I wont. Cause I know that if I were to let myself trust them really, I would get cut immediately, or within a few months, cunningly, by them, not because theyre cruel. Theyre just oblivious and unable to comprehend a sentence that ends in a way they dont expect it to. Their whole worldview is bordered by and wedded to their expectations. They hear only what they expect the other person to say. They assume your feeling emotions that they expect for you to have. They see in you a series of expectations. But you. The you thats new every minute. Changed, completely different. Youre not even there. They only observe what the expected the day before, and the day before that, and every day since the day they met you. And nothing ever changes in a positive way in the relationship because of that. So anyway how does forgiveness play into this. I dont really know. Probably it doesnt. Your job was to inhabit a role within their world, and to the extent that you succeeded at playing your part well, they might like you. They might throw you a bone to chew. I hate people. I hate being so accomplished as an asshole myself, even when I know that being an asshole is the only thing that will succeed at getting somethings accomplished in a timely manner. People are assholes and bitches for a reason. It often succeeds. In terms of short term success, being an intelligent asshole is incredibly useful. In terms of long term self-respect, it sometimes leads to problems. This reminds me of the Sorry I am song. One of the anni difranco songs that works well just because of the hook which is genius. It has such a compelling maybe even unintentional double entendre (1) sorry about what happened, I screwed up, and Im sorry man vs (b) sorry that I exist, that I am, sorry that Im alive and Im not this other person that youre seeing now, or that you were hoping for. I always hear those two meanings vibrating so horribly, it never really settles down on one or the other for long. It just keeps jumping back and forth. So, watching Naomi Watts in We Dont Live Here Anymore has made me sad.
Double Entendre: An expression or term liable to more than one interpretation
Double Entendre: An expression or term liable to more than one interpretation