the secretary parents
(1) a smiling kind-hearted slightly oblivious mom
(2) an alcoholic father, behaving completely weird once in a while because drunk, and nobody bothers to explain it. the child wants to be helped to understand what is going on, but the mom doesn't think its necessary to talk about such things, and even if she did, she wouldn't know what to say, and the temporarily drunk father isn't capable of explaining his behavior because he's um a drunk-ass? my dad experiences an overwhelming need to be a dad once a year, and at such times, its my job to pretend that his temporary desire is proof of love, but i know for a fact that the temporary desire to be a father will dissapear for some arbitrary length of time, lasting at least six months, but typically much longer. and now i wonder, maybe his temporary desire to be a father has nothing to do with me. And everything to do with him attempting to steel from me, the things he didn't receive from his own father.
someone didn't love you, you lied to yourself, you lied to cover up the pain you felt, inside. what could possibly be more emo than that, but right now, i think it's accurate. my dad probably wanted to love my sister and me, but due to various circumstances he couldn't do it, and as a child i lied to myself that he did, and even now i want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that love is present. but it really isn't, just his occasional desire to connect for a few seconds or do the right thing by calling on holidays. it's not love, it's more like curiousity. i wonder how the offspring is? really, i don't think a father has an obligation to be a good parent, or even involved, i don't hold him morally responsible, but i do think that children's mind is created a certain way, and if you'r an alcoholic and you're a parent then you're fucking with your childs mind, and its important to reveal the truth about such things. being physically abused is one thing, but being emotionally abused by someone with good intentions can be exactly as traumatic because of the nature of a childs brain, and the automatic assumptions that children make, and the coping mechanisms children will stupidly rely on in the absence of a reliable parent / functional family environment. it's not about blame, or maybe it's entirely and only about blame. but why be so afraid of going there, why be so terrified of blaming a parent for a second, its a serious cultural taboo, its #5 on the commandment list (you should honor your mother and father, right?) who meant well, and therefore any bad things they inadvertantly did should be wiped clean from your memory. Still, he gets to blame his own parents for whatever they did to him that i don't know about, so its not like i'm saying he was inherently flawed from the jump and i'm perfect, i'm just holding him accountable for what happened, and noticing what is real about how damage gets passed through generations. but he's too enlightened to be angry with his parents. it wouldn't be helpful to be angry right because only pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is helpful. Lets try not to get emotional or wiggy about life because being emotionally dead will save us didn't you know? lets wall it up, cover it with cement... lets see how that goes.
(1) a smiling kind-hearted slightly oblivious mom
(2) an alcoholic father, behaving completely weird once in a while because drunk, and nobody bothers to explain it. the child wants to be helped to understand what is going on, but the mom doesn't think its necessary to talk about such things, and even if she did, she wouldn't know what to say, and the temporarily drunk father isn't capable of explaining his behavior because he's um a drunk-ass? my dad experiences an overwhelming need to be a dad once a year, and at such times, its my job to pretend that his temporary desire is proof of love, but i know for a fact that the temporary desire to be a father will dissapear for some arbitrary length of time, lasting at least six months, but typically much longer. and now i wonder, maybe his temporary desire to be a father has nothing to do with me. And everything to do with him attempting to steel from me, the things he didn't receive from his own father.
someone didn't love you, you lied to yourself, you lied to cover up the pain you felt, inside. what could possibly be more emo than that, but right now, i think it's accurate. my dad probably wanted to love my sister and me, but due to various circumstances he couldn't do it, and as a child i lied to myself that he did, and even now i want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that love is present. but it really isn't, just his occasional desire to connect for a few seconds or do the right thing by calling on holidays. it's not love, it's more like curiousity. i wonder how the offspring is? really, i don't think a father has an obligation to be a good parent, or even involved, i don't hold him morally responsible, but i do think that children's mind is created a certain way, and if you'r an alcoholic and you're a parent then you're fucking with your childs mind, and its important to reveal the truth about such things. being physically abused is one thing, but being emotionally abused by someone with good intentions can be exactly as traumatic because of the nature of a childs brain, and the automatic assumptions that children make, and the coping mechanisms children will stupidly rely on in the absence of a reliable parent / functional family environment. it's not about blame, or maybe it's entirely and only about blame. but why be so afraid of going there, why be so terrified of blaming a parent for a second, its a serious cultural taboo, its #5 on the commandment list (you should honor your mother and father, right?) who meant well, and therefore any bad things they inadvertantly did should be wiped clean from your memory. Still, he gets to blame his own parents for whatever they did to him that i don't know about, so its not like i'm saying he was inherently flawed from the jump and i'm perfect, i'm just holding him accountable for what happened, and noticing what is real about how damage gets passed through generations. but he's too enlightened to be angry with his parents. it wouldn't be helpful to be angry right because only pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is helpful. Lets try not to get emotional or wiggy about life because being emotionally dead will save us didn't you know? lets wall it up, cover it with cement... lets see how that goes.