I've suffered on and off since I was about 14, I've been on medication for 8 years. Over the past couple months I've been slowly cutting back on my current medication and its been difficult because I have serious withdrawal symptoms immediately. Anyway I'm on one tablet every 3/4 days and last night it all caught up on me. I should've noticed myself slipping but I didn't. I've been horrible recently, snapping at my friends, arguing with my fiance. Last night was a sucky night and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. My other half hasn't been fantastic recently, I worry about him cheating on me again, he doesn't act like he loves me. And last night when I broke down and told him I'm finding it hard to find the will to keep living he decided to tell me he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He doesn't know what he wants and for some reason he just doesn't see us working out. When we got this house I said things change or I'm not doing it. He made promises, we signed a new tenancy, we got this lovely house and now he tells me this. I don't know what to think at the moment. I was only trying to explain to him what depression is like and what's going on in my head and he doesn't get it. And then I start crying until I throw up, apologising and begging him to agree to keep trying because even though I know I deserve better and there's no way he's going to put me through it all again, I can't imagine my life without him. I need him. And I refuse to live with out him.
I've got so much to be happy for at the moment but I just can't feel it because of depression and all I needed was for him to hold me and tell me he'll be there to help. But he chose to tell me that instead. And that I needed fucking help. No shit, Sherlock.
I know if anyone actually reads this, especially if you know mine and Jake's background, you're just gonna go, why the fuck are you with him?
I wish I could tell you. I just have this thread attaching me to him and I can't sever it, ever. I know ill fall apart without him, and I would hate to see him with anyone else. He's the love of MY life, my fiance, my soul mate. And I just need him to keep working at this relationship.
