Wow, its been quite some time since I've been writing in this here blog. Since I've been so busy with work lately there hardly seems time for anything I really care about anymore.
Its not that I have an undieing love for this blog, or anything of the like. But simply having the time to sit down and write is a bit of a novelty.
I'm not sure I can bare this state of limbo that I am in at the moment. I have a job that is literally dominating my life and I feel like I am degrading as a person. The hours have been too intense for me to have anything else to do. For example, I really got excited about taking Kung-fu classes recently, but I've only been able to attend 3 or 4 out of a possible 12 out of this month. And since its something that I really want to peruse and make a big part of my life I am starting to question whether taking a hit financially and working a different job with regular hours is worth it.
I'm definately leaning in that direction, although I'm not sure I'm ready to leave yet. I like being a Lighting Designer for bands. Its a lot of fun, however, I'm still new at it, and my confidence in myself is dwindling since I don't seem to be progressing nearly as quickly as I would like. I haven't done a show yet, that I'm actually satisfied with the results, even though my colleagues have told me that I'm doing a good job. I know I'm good at what I do, and the circumstances surrounding my position is what is holding me back, but I want to feel as if I'm doing a good job, not just be patted on the back.
I guess thats what I really miss, feeling like I'm doing well at what I am doing. I haven't felt that since...well since 2nd year university almost 3 years ago, when I felt as if that Theatre is not the right path for me...but I didn't go with that feeling, and I kept on trucking, in a way that made me feel more, and more miserable. And my ability to hide my dissatisfaction with myself dwindled more with each day.
I have been feeling more anxious each day. Breathing becomes harder, and peace of mind seems like a distant memory. I feel like I need to escape, try something new. Break from a pattern. Have some sort of breakthrough...something!
I've been dwindling for a long time and I need to do something about it, really reflect on my life and see where the path ahead of me may lead.
Its not that I have an undieing love for this blog, or anything of the like. But simply having the time to sit down and write is a bit of a novelty.
I'm not sure I can bare this state of limbo that I am in at the moment. I have a job that is literally dominating my life and I feel like I am degrading as a person. The hours have been too intense for me to have anything else to do. For example, I really got excited about taking Kung-fu classes recently, but I've only been able to attend 3 or 4 out of a possible 12 out of this month. And since its something that I really want to peruse and make a big part of my life I am starting to question whether taking a hit financially and working a different job with regular hours is worth it.
I'm definately leaning in that direction, although I'm not sure I'm ready to leave yet. I like being a Lighting Designer for bands. Its a lot of fun, however, I'm still new at it, and my confidence in myself is dwindling since I don't seem to be progressing nearly as quickly as I would like. I haven't done a show yet, that I'm actually satisfied with the results, even though my colleagues have told me that I'm doing a good job. I know I'm good at what I do, and the circumstances surrounding my position is what is holding me back, but I want to feel as if I'm doing a good job, not just be patted on the back.
I guess thats what I really miss, feeling like I'm doing well at what I am doing. I haven't felt that since...well since 2nd year university almost 3 years ago, when I felt as if that Theatre is not the right path for me...but I didn't go with that feeling, and I kept on trucking, in a way that made me feel more, and more miserable. And my ability to hide my dissatisfaction with myself dwindled more with each day.
I have been feeling more anxious each day. Breathing becomes harder, and peace of mind seems like a distant memory. I feel like I need to escape, try something new. Break from a pattern. Have some sort of breakthrough...something!
I've been dwindling for a long time and I need to do something about it, really reflect on my life and see where the path ahead of me may lead.