Hi.
Leaving again soon. yay. making some money too. double yay.
I am finishing up reading the manga of Nausicaa, by Miyazaki. Now I have to see the film again. The book is so incredible I am near tears often while reading it. But then again that isn't too surprising considering my crybaby constitution.
I talked to a friend of mine about the boy I have been hung up on for so long, who she knows well. It was a good discussion. Basically, can I shift his perception of me as perpetual party girl, and do I want that? She thinks I can, bcse she knows there is so much more to me...or something. And she loves us both and wants to see both of us happy and yadda yadda.
I guess my biggest worry is putting myself out there on the line, and then realizing that it isn't right. And then hurting him.
I get the feeling like he doesn't really understand why a freaky girl like me is interested in a guy like him. Me neither, but I am. And i have tried to talk myself out of it for so long that I wonder what is the basis of my feelings anyway.
Sometimes I am so tired of the questioning, the constant feeling like there is someone more perfect for me.
Sometimes I feel so bad and I want to cuddle up so much and I think about him and all the shit he already has to deal with and he doesn't need another thing to take care of.
He needs someone stable and strong and supportive in his life. But it breaks my heart to think that he just might find that, maybe soon, with someone else.
And sometimes I think he can't find that with someone else bcse I have so much energy towards him and I can't let him go, he can't move on either.
How does it end up playing out?
Is this all just so completely misguided, a shallow infatuation fueled at one point by drugs and attraction and if followed to its end just fizzles the moment it is completely acknowledged and becomes the mundane relationship that is not extraordinairy in any way? Or could it be a mutually supportive interaction that grows stronger the more that is discovered each day?
What is the ending?
I want to know before I try to offer any more involvement on my part.
sigh.
Leaving again soon. yay. making some money too. double yay.
I am finishing up reading the manga of Nausicaa, by Miyazaki. Now I have to see the film again. The book is so incredible I am near tears often while reading it. But then again that isn't too surprising considering my crybaby constitution.
I talked to a friend of mine about the boy I have been hung up on for so long, who she knows well. It was a good discussion. Basically, can I shift his perception of me as perpetual party girl, and do I want that? She thinks I can, bcse she knows there is so much more to me...or something. And she loves us both and wants to see both of us happy and yadda yadda.
I guess my biggest worry is putting myself out there on the line, and then realizing that it isn't right. And then hurting him.
I get the feeling like he doesn't really understand why a freaky girl like me is interested in a guy like him. Me neither, but I am. And i have tried to talk myself out of it for so long that I wonder what is the basis of my feelings anyway.
Sometimes I am so tired of the questioning, the constant feeling like there is someone more perfect for me.
Sometimes I feel so bad and I want to cuddle up so much and I think about him and all the shit he already has to deal with and he doesn't need another thing to take care of.
He needs someone stable and strong and supportive in his life. But it breaks my heart to think that he just might find that, maybe soon, with someone else.
And sometimes I think he can't find that with someone else bcse I have so much energy towards him and I can't let him go, he can't move on either.
How does it end up playing out?
Is this all just so completely misguided, a shallow infatuation fueled at one point by drugs and attraction and if followed to its end just fizzles the moment it is completely acknowledged and becomes the mundane relationship that is not extraordinairy in any way? Or could it be a mutually supportive interaction that grows stronger the more that is discovered each day?
What is the ending?
I want to know before I try to offer any more involvement on my part.
sigh.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Hmmm... I'm not sure I know enough about your situation to even offer my opinion, but I can offer my opinion about the situation as far as it's described here. I'm guessing you want opinions since it's in your journal ; )
I've tried a lot of "partial" solution relationships at this point in my life. By that I mean, "well, I like this and this, I know this is probably a bad idea, but it could just be great if.... maybe I could just ignore that problem." And they have never worked out for me. Although I'm not sure if you consider the difference in lifestyle/mentality a problem. Maybe you are actually wanting to change yourself, so an opportunity to go in that direction is desired. If that is the case, then I'd say go for it as well.
I do have to say that in my opinion, that good relationships aren't ONLY about feeling something though. I think that's integral, but sometimes you can feel something for someone who is entirely wrong for you in a functional day to day sense. Those relationships can be passionate and exciting, but they are very difficult to maintain and usually involve a lot of sacrifice and repression. Sometimes I think that can be just what you need in life, but I personally am hoping to find something that allows me to lead the life I want AND be in a passionate and honest relationship. I guess it just depends on where you're at and what you're looking for. And if you think it can be a functional and passionate relationship then you should definitely pursue it in my opinion.
BTW... I always date people I am friends with, and I am still friends with ALL of my ex-girlfriends except one who just disappeared from my life completely (moved as well). In fact, they are some of my best friends in the world (yes, I'm sick I guess). So I think you can date a friend, and come out of it if it doesn't work out with a friend... as long as you're willing to weather the storm, and are always honest, sincere, and communicative about what you want and what you are feeling. Just my blurb. k... gotta go to work.
Happy travels wherever you are going : )
And I haven't resorted to drugs.... YET! Although the whole music thing has a similar effect for me sometimes : )
heh... I guess maybe you won't read this for a while... hope you had fun : )