obsidity

OK! Sorry I just dropped out for a while, It was costing too much at the little cafe in the podunk town I was in. (plus I kept feeling like the manager was peeking). My limbo nightmare world was elucidating --if not a barrel of laughs.
I had quite the learning experience this past week and I am sorry that I couldn't get in touch with papawheelie's friends although I called the # I thought he gave me. I just had to keep in mind that everything happens for some reason although sometimes unfathomable. I ended up having fun again eventually but with a very new understanding of the person I was visiting, like pink raw skin under a healing cut. I actuallystarted to break one of my behavior reaction patterns that was created a long time ago. So I am proud of that for myself. I still have a long way to go and I didn't really get positive reinforcement. I gotten afraid that I did something wrong bcse of the behavior I was observing in this person and then I can't talk about my feelings and I get frozen. So I finally broke through that a little and actually let myself be emotionally vulnerable,trusting that I would be OK, understood and safe. Instead, I got a reaction that was not , let's say, nuturing and supportive. In fact the complete and utter opposite. This was tailspin time. This is that biofeedback loop of self recrimination. I was blown away by this but I slowly got up to the point that I should not have given that much power over to someone else. Especially someonetoo immatur to take care of it.
Later I got an apology and the the connection came back enough for us to enjoy the next few days but I have this underlying feeling of disturbed mistrust. I can never trust this person in that capacity, and I have no idea why I thought I could except that I just wanted to. But that is not their role in my life. Now the hard part is to do that again with someone else when the time comes. I don't think I can.
Anyway, that might seem pretty ambiguous but I am still wading through all of it myself, assimilating, reassessing, oh and getting shit faced.
Someone got my Eddie Izzard joke, YAY!
Now I have access to my computer so I can keep this up better. I saw a few friends of mine today at this graduation that I love and I also have this outlet and I feel the cyber support, so to speak. thank you.
Really, big "D' ? uh..........
YEAH! I am Dangerous!!! ggrrrrmrrrrrr.
really.