Me, Myself, and Who Am I?

5

I have been spending a whole lot of time alone lately due to my husband working a different shift for meetings. With all this extra time and not being a social creature, I have spent a lot of hours in my own head. With the stream of thoughts and the questions asked it saddens me to say...I'm 31 and I have no idea who I am. Total mind blower, I know, but then I think so what do I do about this dilemma that faces me.

First, let me say that I'm writing this here and not on my other social media because SG, even though I have only been a member for a short time, seems like a community of more accepters than judgers.

So how did I get here? I can go back so far and think "Man, I had everything figured out." But now being honest with myself, I had no clue. I always been one to please others and to do that I tried to assimilate as much of them into me. It began early on with my mom. She wanted me to be a great student, get a scholarship, go to college, make lots of money. I understand that...most parents want that for their children, but I did that strictly for her (two times around). But I know it was only to please, because when I quit college the second time only 6 weeks from graduation, it was the questions that unnerved me. "What am I going to do now? What will make me happy?" I had no answers at all.

It was the same the few times in life when I had a bff. I took liking the same things they enjoyed to make it easier to hang out. Out of this came my love for sex, drugs, and alcohol. I also had stints of being a holy rolling Jesus freak. Granted I never have done anything I didn't want to, but have never questioned before now if this was truly what I was or wanted. I think it was all out of fear of being rejected by others.

I know my self-esteem has always been lacking, but I thought I had gained some ground since my early 20s. I was more comfortable in my own skin...took to liking myself a little more. But how can you completely love yourself if you don't know who that is? I have no idea....

But, I don't want this to be a total Debbie Downer blog. I'm looking for answers...I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to find a true happiness. I'm not looking for fame and fortune, just the ability to be my true self and to look back with little regret. How do I find me? Any thoughts? I don't know where to even begin. In this new year, though, I'm putting it all towards figuring out who I am. I think I finally owe it to myself <3

_karmina_:
i know that even if i tell you "no girl, you shouldn't feel uncomfortable about yourself, you are pretty, beautify, amazing" (which is something i believe and see in you) you either won't believe or it won't make any difference to you. even if 999 people come and tell you this thing, you'll only get hurt by the one who will tell you the opposite. i know it's hard to accept who you are and love who you are. maybe it's the hardest challenge in life. but like you said, you owe it to yourself.  bad critics and assholes will always be here. just try to close your eyes and to concentrate on yourself. for me this is the golden rule. because no one will ever get to know you as well as you know yourself. and no one will able to love as much as you can and should love yourself. as for the "sad" part what i do is to try to enjoy every little single detail in my everyday life, stare at cute, kind people, talk with them, try to smile as much as possible, not feeling forced but trying to give myself the need to do so and think that this is my life, MY life, i don't know if there'll be a next one, i don't know what it's gonna be over and every single second that passes is irreplaceable. past belong to past, we all made mistakes, we all could do better but there's nothing much we can do about it now. try to live for today, not spending your thoughts on yesterday or waiting and putting hopes on tomorrow. "reach for the sky cause tomorrow may never come" ;). listen to music that makes you happy and make a list of stuff, habits, and hobbies that make you. and stay away from negative people. this is my advice to you! i'm sure everything will work out just fine and keep in mind how amazing you are <3
facingforesight:
@oboroclove i'm in the same position as you with family and expectations of where and what you should be at this point in your life. I think your mindset is something a lot of people are truely missing these days. I know for me I'm trying to push myself as much as I can and face any fears or doubts I have about myself. Hopefully it'll work. All I can say is find your passion , don't take life to seriously and live the life you truley want that will make you happy

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