Ok, so I have been having a really hard time at work.
When I first started at my current job, I instantly fell for a guy there. I took a little while, but we started to hanging out more and I kept falling very hard and way too fast. We started to date, and I quit the open relationship that I had been in for 9 months because this guy wasn't ok with it, and to me, he was 100% worth it. So everything seemed to be great. I was head over heels and he was cautious, but he seemed to be starting to let me in. He has some trust and other relationship issues, but I made it very clear that I was willing to wait and take things at his place and that I wasn't running away or going anywhere. Then, on my birthday, he ended it. I was devastated. He made it sound like he needed more time and less pressure, so for another month I pined and still did all the things that I had been doing before thinking that he would come around if he saw that I was for real. We said we would be friends, and that our work would not be affected by it. I continued helping him A LOT at work and even bringing him lunch. A little over a month later I found out that I was pregnant and the entire world exploded. He lost his mind and accused me of all sorts of horrible things. I told him that I wanted nothing from him and I took care of my situation without any help from him. A hard decision, but the right one for me. Since then he has HATED me. We have exchanged maybe 10 words and he has tried to make me look bad to the management. I want more than anything to go back to having a normal civil working relationship, but he refuses. The worst part is, I am still totally in love with him. I can't seem to get over him, no matter how much I want to. I receive looks that are dripping with contempt, and I still get all flustered and drop things and do other clumsy things when I am around him. I wish I could hate him, I have no idea why I don't. After everything that he put me through and the way he has treated me, I should hate him. Obviously there is a lot more that what I can write, but I just feel like I am the dog that keeps getting whipped. I have never been this devastated over a man before and I hate it. All I hear is "It just takes time", but I need another way, because it's been many months and time isn't doing jack squat for me. Rebounds have also not been helpful.
I did join that stupid dating app (Tinder), and got a bunch of matches, but I am bad at that kind of thing and have managed to get myself out of every date that I was supposed to go on. The same thing that happened when I was on Match.com for a hot second. The other night I was actually matched with someone that I want to meet in the real world. We have been texting and it's so nice to be excited about the idea of someone. I hope this can be something good, but I am terrified. Anyway, this is just always on my mind and I wanted to get it out. And I know this is the most inarticulate thing I have ever written, but apparently even writing about it makes me shake and turn into a complete basket case. Thanks for "listening" to this nonsense, I just wanted to get it out.
On another note, I am starting to get a few followers! Thank you all SOOO much!! I can't tell you how excited I get when I see that I have new notifications! Friday I will be finalizing my set, and then my photographer will just have to do the final edits. So HOPEFULLY it will be ready to upload soon!! Thanks for all your support, I love you all to bits!! MUAH!!
And, of course, here's a teaser for it!
