nyghtwish

*Warning*: Don't read this unless you want to be really depressed.



I've been thinking a lot lately. Bad things happen when I think. I've been thinking about my future...I suppose that's what happens when you're literally terrified of what your country holds for you in the "real world." A million billion parts of me want to move back home, to the safety and comfort of 311 posters, bookshelves lined with old textbooks, and my family not far away.

God. My family. My friends. What I wouldn't give to never grow up. To spend eternity in that summer between graduating high school and going off to college. Everyone has up and left me. So many friends have moved away; to Massachusetts, to Kentucky, to Seattle. So many more are preparing to leave. Kenny is off with Ameri-Corps in January. Carl is moving to Southwest VA. Kent is off to Tennessee and who knows where after that. It seems the more I try to get myself together, the more wildly I'm having everything slip through my fingers.

I don't want to go away to school. I've looked at a couple of schools, most in New York. How could I ever survive when home isn't just a quick drive down the interstate? I know I should grow up, learn to live without my family. I know I HAVE to. It just doesn't have to be like this, does it?

I could become a teacher, do the thing everyone always expected I would do. It's not what I wanted for myself, it was never what I wanted. But I could stay near home. Home has schools. Schools need teachers. It would be that easy...

I'd have to stay here longer, though. Get sucked into the void that is Fredericksburg. Is this when it hits you that everything you dreamed as a child was really just a dream? That you really never will change the world?