nyghtwish

I'm sick. And it blows. I hate being sick. Plus I feel bad because I'm sure I passed it on to Kenny. How am I going to convince him to make out with me more often if I get him sick?

The shortened version of the backstory: I've known Kenny longer than I've known Lewis (the ex.) I had a crush on him before I knew Lewis. But he pretty much broke my heart in a million pieces, it was one of the most painful things I've ever gone through. Right after that is when I started dating Lewis. My ego was wounded, I needed a relationship. I NEVER thought it would last as long as it did.

Summer before last, at a drunk crazy party where I was the only female, I made out with every boy at the party. I realize this sounds lame because "ooh, making out, you're so crazy" but I'm not someone that sleeps around. I just can't do it. So anyway, I hardcore made out with Kenny, to where we disappeared into another room and locked the door. (And yes, I was dating Lewis at the time. I blame it on being drunk, but I'm pretty sure I knew what I was doing.)

So it happened again. The whole situation is weird now. Last time this happened things were really awkward for a few weeks afterwards. The thing you have to understand about Kenny is that he doesn't believe in doing physical acts with others if there isn't something behind it. He's kissed four other girls in his lifetime (he's 21.) He's a virgin, I don't think he's even had oral sex. He's not really a prude...he's just got very strong convictions.

That's why the first time was really awkward. I felt horrible because I felt like I had stolen something from him, like some great experience he could have had with another girl. At the same time, kissing him was one of the most amazing kisses I've had in my life. We eventually decided that there wasn't anything we could do to change it and despite the fact that I was questioning whether or not I still had feelings for him, he was pretty clear that his feelings for me had not changed.

THIS time, he was the instigator. He dared me to lick his tongue, he was the one who put his hand up my shirt (honestly, probably the second breast he's touched in his life.) Yet things weren't as weird the next morning. I don't feel I need to apologize. But now I'm curious. I'm no longer with Lewis so I don't have that holding me back anymore. Or him. The fact that he WAS so forward is confusing me and that he didn't seem to regret it the next morning.

I'm afraid to get tangled up in all this again. I feel like for some reason he's never given me a very fair chance. He's always gone for the beautiful ditz type, although he himself is very deep and intelligent. Part of me thinks he might be intimidated by someone who can challenge him.

I sent him an email. Just to let him know I wanted to stay in touch instead of letting our friendship drift in and out. I just don't know if I should take it any farther than that. He's a much healthier crush than the 16 year old. Yet in some ways, he really isn't. I'm so fucking confused. I want to just write it off to being drunk. I just can't.

AND THEN...there's the whole other factor that I don't want to be tied down right now. I've been in a relationship for the last three years, essentially my entire college career. And aside from Kenny, there are other males that are either in my life or fluxuate through it. I don't think I should keep my options closed off.