I feel like I'm on the brink of...something. I'm not really sure what that is exactly. But it's sort of a relaxing feeling. As if maybe, over this hill, something will be waiting on the other side for once, not just another hill. I feel calmer today than I have in months. Years, maybe. I've spent the day alone, I think that probably has something to do with it. Upon looking at myself and my life, it seems that all the things that I want to change and that I want to accomplish might not be that hard to get.
I think a lot of it also comes from the guy I met Thursday night. His name was Dean. My roommate brought him home from a bar. Usually I would have been in bed already, but I was awake studying. So I hung out with them for a while and had a good time for a change. We got to talking about his life, his beliefs. He's a Buddhist currently touring the United States. He's from Seattle. He's leaving in five months to live in Tokyo for a year, then moving to a monastery in Kyoto. Dean wants to rid himself of desire. His theory is that all suffering is caused by desire: if you're happy with what you have and who you are, you'll never suffer.
So I spent a lot of time thinking about that. And I decided it's just crap. It's for people without motivation; it's a way to justify laziness. Because without desire, you never move forward. You can't achieve anything without the desire to do so. I desire to be thin. It's taken Dean to help me realize that I can't just sit and wait for it to happen, that's only prolonging the suffering. So I've got to take action, suffer for a short period of time, and enjoy my victory. I desire to be a writer. I will suffer for my art. I'll be a teacher or a copy editor or some other stepping stone to achieve what I want.
Without desire, you can't have passion. I would never want to be rid of passion. You know, it's like people always say, you can't know good without evil. It's just a system of checks and balances. If you take Dean's path and rid yourself of desire, he's right, you won't know suffering. But you also won't know passion or love...how could you live like that? So, I guess it's time for me to take a stand.
I think a lot of it also comes from the guy I met Thursday night. His name was Dean. My roommate brought him home from a bar. Usually I would have been in bed already, but I was awake studying. So I hung out with them for a while and had a good time for a change. We got to talking about his life, his beliefs. He's a Buddhist currently touring the United States. He's from Seattle. He's leaving in five months to live in Tokyo for a year, then moving to a monastery in Kyoto. Dean wants to rid himself of desire. His theory is that all suffering is caused by desire: if you're happy with what you have and who you are, you'll never suffer.
So I spent a lot of time thinking about that. And I decided it's just crap. It's for people without motivation; it's a way to justify laziness. Because without desire, you never move forward. You can't achieve anything without the desire to do so. I desire to be thin. It's taken Dean to help me realize that I can't just sit and wait for it to happen, that's only prolonging the suffering. So I've got to take action, suffer for a short period of time, and enjoy my victory. I desire to be a writer. I will suffer for my art. I'll be a teacher or a copy editor or some other stepping stone to achieve what I want.
Without desire, you can't have passion. I would never want to be rid of passion. You know, it's like people always say, you can't know good without evil. It's just a system of checks and balances. If you take Dean's path and rid yourself of desire, he's right, you won't know suffering. But you also won't know passion or love...how could you live like that? So, I guess it's time for me to take a stand.
[Edited on Oct 17, 2004 3:31PM]