Wow my last entry makes me really sad. I sound completely uneducated. I was trying to get through a really long and complex weekend without writing for the next four and a half days. All of it could really be ignored, except the Ryan thing.
Is it possible to get over someone you don't want to get over?
My problem is that I dwell on him far too much. Honestly, I don't think about him all that often when I haven't seen him in a while. I can even look at pictures of us and not really feel anything. But then when I'm around him, it could matter less that I have a boyfriend and that I truly do love said boyfriend. How did this happen?
And why am I so nonchalant about him? When I think about being with him, I don't even think of it as cheating. I mean, I guess I do, but when it comes to him, I don't feel like it matters. Which sounds horrible and I honestly feel like a bad person when I say that. I'm not someone who cheats on her boyfriend. I just don't really do that. I know he would be really hurt, especially since he's so jealous of Ryan already.
Yet I can't even say that one of my best kisses was with my boyfriend. I don't even really like kissing him. I'm not sure why. I don't know how to fix it. He's not a terrible kisser, or even a bad kisser. He's good. He's just not perfect. So, a kiss with my boyfriend right now is okay but nothing to write home about. Versus a kiss with Ryan, which I described this way in a thread once:
First off, he was just a fantastic kisser to begin with. One day after work it was even more fantastic. We had worked together all day and every glance, every fleeting touch was just a reminder of how bad I wanted him. When we finally got to leave and sat speechless in the car while I drove him home, the tension mounted even more. When we finally got in his house, to his room, we couldn't get enough of each other. And it wasn't even about sex, we never slept together, it was solely about kissing and touching, being vulnerable with each other.
And if you look in the "I love it when he..." thread, I listed 12 things. 7 are solely about Ryan. 2 are solely about my boyfriend. And 3 could be about either. That's bad.
Make it stop. Seriously. It's driving me crazy.
Is it possible to get over someone you don't want to get over?
My problem is that I dwell on him far too much. Honestly, I don't think about him all that often when I haven't seen him in a while. I can even look at pictures of us and not really feel anything. But then when I'm around him, it could matter less that I have a boyfriend and that I truly do love said boyfriend. How did this happen?
And why am I so nonchalant about him? When I think about being with him, I don't even think of it as cheating. I mean, I guess I do, but when it comes to him, I don't feel like it matters. Which sounds horrible and I honestly feel like a bad person when I say that. I'm not someone who cheats on her boyfriend. I just don't really do that. I know he would be really hurt, especially since he's so jealous of Ryan already.
Yet I can't even say that one of my best kisses was with my boyfriend. I don't even really like kissing him. I'm not sure why. I don't know how to fix it. He's not a terrible kisser, or even a bad kisser. He's good. He's just not perfect. So, a kiss with my boyfriend right now is okay but nothing to write home about. Versus a kiss with Ryan, which I described this way in a thread once:
First off, he was just a fantastic kisser to begin with. One day after work it was even more fantastic. We had worked together all day and every glance, every fleeting touch was just a reminder of how bad I wanted him. When we finally got to leave and sat speechless in the car while I drove him home, the tension mounted even more. When we finally got in his house, to his room, we couldn't get enough of each other. And it wasn't even about sex, we never slept together, it was solely about kissing and touching, being vulnerable with each other.
And if you look in the "I love it when he..." thread, I listed 12 things. 7 are solely about Ryan. 2 are solely about my boyfriend. And 3 could be about either. That's bad.
Make it stop. Seriously. It's driving me crazy.