nyghtwish

So Ryan and I actually got to have a long talk today. I think we decided to leave things as they are. Our time has sort of run it's course and we're both basically ready to move on. I realized that despite the times that I DO like him, there are about twenty times more that I don't. Luckily, all those things are starting to piss me off right now when I need to get over him.

He met a new girl at work, Elvis. She's from Turkey. They're...better for each other than he and I could have ever been. For instance, they're both single. I am not. During our talk, this was definitely an issue for him. Does he a) go for the girl without a boyfriend or b) go for the girl with a boyfriend who is just using him to figure out her own shit? I think the answer is pretty obvious. We would have NEVER had a long term relationship, and that's honestly the part I need to figure out. Ryan was just my spring board. He made me realize that I might always be attracted to other people, but it will almost never work out for the best. He let me realize, too, that relationships are supposed to be fun and surprising and breath-taking.

But I still have to discover what it is that I've truly set out to figure out: whether or not I could ever have a relationship with someone other than the boy I'm in love with. I just need to know if this is it. Since Ryan would have never been that guy in the first place, it's much better that we can both move on and be happy.

Besides, I'm turning 21 in 10 days. There's no place in my life for someone who can't party hard

At the same time, though, I'm a little jealous of Elvis. I think anyone in my situation would be. Part of me can't get over the fact that I always lose out to the girl that is blonder and thinner...