nyghtwish

Fuck. I'm still alive. But everything nowdays is this total juggling act. And every time I feel like I've got a good rhythm going, keeping all the pins in the air, I drop one of them and then it's like a waterfall as the rest come crashing down too, just because I wasn't quite in the right place at the right time. Wow, that was a stoner's sentence if I've ever typed one. But whatever. Seriously though. I've finally got the act going with my job, planning for school, and getting to do the things someone my age wants to do. It was going pretty well for a time, in fact. I was 100% keeping everything in the air, if somewhat wobbly. But then...I think the ball dropped first on the getting to do the things someone my age wants to do. My life is so clusterfucked by my work right now that I get home, get stoned, and go to bed. Every day. One day after the next. And I'm just exhausted! My "holidays" are generally filled with either accomplishing necessary tasks for survival (like getting an oil change, going grocery shopping, dropping things off at the post office, etc etc etc) or some kind of ridiculous, unsettling drama. So when I go back to work, I don't feel rested at all. And the cycle just continues and continues until the tunnel is so narrow that the light at the end is nothing more than a pinprick.

Then came down the planning for school. I got all excited and requested information from a whole bunch of graduate schools, as well as international internships and other such things. And now I feel like I have too much information and I don't know what to do, where to begin. Everything sounds fascinating and then at the same time, I'm afraid that I'm no longer smart enough to trudge my way through more school. Whether it's the drugs or merely age, perhaps the daily influence of rednecks, but I actually think I'm losing all the intelligence that I once valued so highly. And all I want to do is disappear into the world, to sink back amongst the crowd and be lost, finding things that I could almost be certain that no one else has ever found before. See edges of the world that before were just one dimensional. I want to claim my land in east Tennessee and settle there with those who mean the most to me in the world...Neal, my brother; Eric, my roommate and best friend; Minda, my roommate and other best friend...honestly, that would probably do for me. Oh, my parents too of course. I realize now as a young adult that my parents really ARE cool and I'd rather sit and talk with them than go out to bars with my friends.

But back to claiming my land. Building my own home from the ground up, with Eric's help...or rather, he builds with my somewhat naive helping hand. My house will have a veranda, that's the only thing I'm sure of. I would kill for an old New Orleans style plantation with draperies of spanish moss and a porch that could hold an American culture band, jazz, bluegrass, cajun...and all of my friends and family. The air would fill with the rich smoke of cigars, pipes, and bongs...thumping around the music that warms you up inside but sends shivers up your spine...

Sometime soon, I need a bit of heaven.