So, my short-lived disappearance comes to an end. I've been pretty fucking busy for the last couple weeks. I'm trying to get my shit together for my vacation. I have my hotel shit ready for Vegas and I am going to Mystere or whatever on my birthday. It doesn't beat seeing JT in Milan but I'll live. 
I've had some real awakenings in the last couple months--which brought about feelings that should have been dealt with years ago--on how people treat me and how I treat others. I've always been the nice girl--guarded, yes, but mostly just eager to please, eager to find acceptance and love, blah blah. This site was kind of an extension of those feelings. Waiting for the approval of someone else on what I was saying in my posts or journals. Waiting for that person to say something back to me--hoping that I was clever enough to get a response, too afraid to make friends with people who havent spoken to me first. Pathetic? much so. That is how I am, how I have been for the majority of my life, either way too eager or way too distant to make any real connections.
What I've come to realize--something that is easy for some to grasp but has been an obstacle for me-- is that I cannot please everyone. I thought by putting people off that I was standing by this saying, but truthfully, all I wanted was for someone to reach out to me, to think I was as interesting as I found them to be. You hear that you should "be yourself" but really, that is bullshit, right? I mean who knows themself? Who isn't putting on a show for someone, who doesn't act with some kind of self-consciousness, who doesn't feel regret when looked down upon?
It's all an act right? The clothes, the music, the fucking lingo, the scene, the hair dye, and the friendships, they are all an extension of how we want to be seen. We are calling ourselves out "hey look at me!! I'm fucking different, I'm interesting and weird--keep those kids away from me I'm craaazy." You get a tattoo and with every inquiry you reply smugly "No, it DIDN'T hurt." and then walk off with your chucks squeaking against the wet mall flooring.
We've all done it to some extent and we have all laughed at those stupid enough to practically beg for our approval. How many "Hey, do you think I could be an SG?" posts have ended with DebraJean telling some girl off for being a complete moron and posting her ass all over the site. I've seen it so many times I just skip past them anymore. I no longer find their humiliation amusing because I've done it too, maybe on a smaller scale, but I have asked for that approval and been rejected. It sucks.
Well, I guess Im just rambling that this point, repeating things that have been said before, probably with more flair, more wit, or hipster fucking lingo. I don't really give a shit anymore, no really, I can only be myself and to do that I have to go ahead and try that on for the first time. It's awkward and I may not like who I am, but really, it beats being like everyone else.
I've had some real awakenings in the last couple months--which brought about feelings that should have been dealt with years ago--on how people treat me and how I treat others. I've always been the nice girl--guarded, yes, but mostly just eager to please, eager to find acceptance and love, blah blah. This site was kind of an extension of those feelings. Waiting for the approval of someone else on what I was saying in my posts or journals. Waiting for that person to say something back to me--hoping that I was clever enough to get a response, too afraid to make friends with people who havent spoken to me first. Pathetic? much so. That is how I am, how I have been for the majority of my life, either way too eager or way too distant to make any real connections.
What I've come to realize--something that is easy for some to grasp but has been an obstacle for me-- is that I cannot please everyone. I thought by putting people off that I was standing by this saying, but truthfully, all I wanted was for someone to reach out to me, to think I was as interesting as I found them to be. You hear that you should "be yourself" but really, that is bullshit, right? I mean who knows themself? Who isn't putting on a show for someone, who doesn't act with some kind of self-consciousness, who doesn't feel regret when looked down upon?
It's all an act right? The clothes, the music, the fucking lingo, the scene, the hair dye, and the friendships, they are all an extension of how we want to be seen. We are calling ourselves out "hey look at me!! I'm fucking different, I'm interesting and weird--keep those kids away from me I'm craaazy." You get a tattoo and with every inquiry you reply smugly "No, it DIDN'T hurt." and then walk off with your chucks squeaking against the wet mall flooring.
We've all done it to some extent and we have all laughed at those stupid enough to practically beg for our approval. How many "Hey, do you think I could be an SG?" posts have ended with DebraJean telling some girl off for being a complete moron and posting her ass all over the site. I've seen it so many times I just skip past them anymore. I no longer find their humiliation amusing because I've done it too, maybe on a smaller scale, but I have asked for that approval and been rejected. It sucks.
Well, I guess Im just rambling that this point, repeating things that have been said before, probably with more flair, more wit, or hipster fucking lingo. I don't really give a shit anymore, no really, I can only be myself and to do that I have to go ahead and try that on for the first time. It's awkward and I may not like who I am, but really, it beats being like everyone else.
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Keep smiling
Spike
I had a massive, and I mean fucking huge, argument with the person I usually turn to when I feel like drinking...and hence fell off the wagon quite spectacularly. I've learned that using your best friend as support isn't a good idea, and I think I've lost my bestfriend/soulmate to boot, but hey I think I'm getting back on my feet again now.