Letter sent to Schlitz this AM:
Dear Schlitz Beer,
I wanted to share a little story with you, a sad story of love and loss.
Last night, in the middle of a good day long drunk, I was dispatched from a rolling and rocking house party with the task of returning with more sweet, sweet beer. Due to weather, distance and high level of inebriation I decided to bike to the liquor store. Upon arrival at the store I was confronted with the choice of no less then 7 different kinds of cheap, yellow, fizzy beer but I choose you Schlitz, I choose you. After paying for my purchase of a case of delicious Schlitz beer I mounted my trusty, and barrowed, steed carrying, by hand, my case of joy giving Schlitz beer.
Full of inner peace and with thoughts of glorious consumption in my head I set off to triumphantly return to the party and receive a hero's welcome. Imagine the shock and disappointment that I felt when, less then a block from the store, the handle tore out of the case spilling all of that glorious Schlitz beer onto the street. It was a fucking blood bath, cans everywhere, beer shooting out of their wounds, cars swerving and poor, poor me out in the street trying to rescue these fallen soldiers. Upon gathering up the still full beers I had to ride back, case under arm (BTW, do you have any idea how hard it is to ride a fixed gear bike drunk with a case of beer under one arm?) and leaking all over me, to far, far less then the hero's welcome I had been dreaming of. People where sad, I was heart broke and my chances of scoring with any of the hot young ladies at the party where now dashed to pieces along with those poor beers who had died in the street. The mood of the entire party seemed to take a turn for the worse; the case of beer just kind of sitting there on the counter mocking us all as it leaked and oozed beer from the few remaining wounded.
Why Schlitz, why... why did you forsake and betray us all like that? Why did you betray me, after years of my loyal love? Why did you not want me to get laid?
Bastards.
Now I know at first this seems an awkward and unusual manner in which to pick up a case of beer but trust me, it works just fine; I've managed 30 packs of some of your competitors in the past. If hipster yahoos over at Pabst can engineer a handle to hold 30 beers for 12-14 blocks you should be able to come up with *something* to hold 24 for the 4 I had to go.
I want reparations you sons of bitches and I want them now or I will never purchase your beer and it's inferior packaging again.
BASTARDS!
Love,
DUG
Dear Schlitz Beer,
I wanted to share a little story with you, a sad story of love and loss.
Last night, in the middle of a good day long drunk, I was dispatched from a rolling and rocking house party with the task of returning with more sweet, sweet beer. Due to weather, distance and high level of inebriation I decided to bike to the liquor store. Upon arrival at the store I was confronted with the choice of no less then 7 different kinds of cheap, yellow, fizzy beer but I choose you Schlitz, I choose you. After paying for my purchase of a case of delicious Schlitz beer I mounted my trusty, and barrowed, steed carrying, by hand, my case of joy giving Schlitz beer.
Full of inner peace and with thoughts of glorious consumption in my head I set off to triumphantly return to the party and receive a hero's welcome. Imagine the shock and disappointment that I felt when, less then a block from the store, the handle tore out of the case spilling all of that glorious Schlitz beer onto the street. It was a fucking blood bath, cans everywhere, beer shooting out of their wounds, cars swerving and poor, poor me out in the street trying to rescue these fallen soldiers. Upon gathering up the still full beers I had to ride back, case under arm (BTW, do you have any idea how hard it is to ride a fixed gear bike drunk with a case of beer under one arm?) and leaking all over me, to far, far less then the hero's welcome I had been dreaming of. People where sad, I was heart broke and my chances of scoring with any of the hot young ladies at the party where now dashed to pieces along with those poor beers who had died in the street. The mood of the entire party seemed to take a turn for the worse; the case of beer just kind of sitting there on the counter mocking us all as it leaked and oozed beer from the few remaining wounded.
Why Schlitz, why... why did you forsake and betray us all like that? Why did you betray me, after years of my loyal love? Why did you not want me to get laid?
Bastards.
Now I know at first this seems an awkward and unusual manner in which to pick up a case of beer but trust me, it works just fine; I've managed 30 packs of some of your competitors in the past. If hipster yahoos over at Pabst can engineer a handle to hold 30 beers for 12-14 blocks you should be able to come up with *something* to hold 24 for the 4 I had to go.
I want reparations you sons of bitches and I want them now or I will never purchase your beer and it's inferior packaging again.
BASTARDS!
Love,
DUG
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
corneilus_wright:
That made me sad
nina_kova:
that makes me sad....of course now i'rish i had a schlitz...(and yes, i still have the st. patty's day pin that says that!)....