northstar

i've been happy.

i've been happier.

i was feeling a bit down this morning but you know... that could be because i got woken up after only 3 hours of sleeping and my apartment is a disaster. called my friend dave looking for some company and got my ex. in tears on the phone to the last person in the world i want to be crying to. whats wrong he says... are you ok?

fine.
just fine.

i called back. i needed a hug. he obliged and we went out for lunch. it was the first time we'd hung out one on one since we broke up. surprisingly (well... maybe not) it went well. he was the closest person to me for a long time and i mourned that loss. i still do. we had beer for breakfast, good civil conversation, some good laughs and shared a couple memories. i felt much better afterward. clearer and vented.

much better.

i got to see my best friend last week for the first time since SCENE in july. post show stoner scribbles explain it best.

"its hard to stand next to you" he says and its not the first time. months of silence and absences seem obselete with a few drinks and loosened tongues. my anger towards you melts like wax just like it always does. things clear but im still left with a big solid mess when it cools. a different size and shape that i have to adjust to handling.

its hard to stand next to you but that old comfort floods me with your body turned towards mine. arms touching and your beard brushing my cheek as you talk to me closer than you have in years. half serious promises make me laugh but i can see the sincerity in your eyes. i take it lightly becuase its all i can do. we've been there before and look how it turned out.

2 years of awkardness, not knowing what to say, not knowing where we stand. 2 years of doubting, fighting with myself and then falling all over again. you've never failed me.

hmm.
i know my head's screwed on tight but sometimes i just feel so lost.

baby... scream for me.