northsider

Foaming At The Mouth
"I Coulda Had Class. I Coulda Been Somebody."

So I went to my good friend Trey's wedding yesterday. It was a nice ceremony in an absolutely stunning venue (with a big assist from the weather) but I could not help but be depressed. Maybe it was because I didn't really know anyone there. Maybe it was because they're moving away in two weeks and I won't really get to see Trey that much anymore. Maybe it was because the one girl who was very pointed about telling me she found me attractive was already married and there with her husband. (Yeah, yeah, that's not necessarily the end of it but she was spoken for and he was a good guy besides) Maybe it was because they left without my knowing it and I didn't get my shot at last goodbyes.

But mostly it's because they are contemporaries of mine. They're prepared to move on to the next phase of their lives while my arrested development still has me holding on to 1998. I don't have the stories that could be amusing anecdotes years later, I don't have pictures that show the progress of child to adult surrounded by meaningful memories. Sure everything has a happy face painted on it for a big day like this, I've long since learned that life doesn't come a la carte so I can't waste time envying someone else without knowing that they have had their rough roads to cross too. But goddamn it's a hard and lonely feeling when somebody else, someone close and someone who you see a lot of yourself in has a lot to show for a space that is just blank for you.

Well, damned if I'll pity myself or ask of it from other people. I still remain one of the luckiest bastards I know and if I die tomorrow I'll be way further ahead of the game than most of the people alive today or even after me. But today I will not corncern myself with it if I choose to spend a gorgeous day indoors, with the blinds drawn, so I can address my immediate dopamine needs by drinking myself to a low numbness, eating doughnuts, and dozing off in front of a W.C. Fields movie.