So let's get a little personal today. I was cleaning out my bookshelf and saw a folder and a binder full of all writings I use to do. I never realized how depressed I was. I was really down and unfortunately I think I'm falling back into that. I mind it hard to be happy. In fact, I don't want to be happy because I know something will happen, most likely I will ruin it for myself. I find myself laying in bed at night and I only think of the negatives and whats going wrong and it's very overwhelming. I have one friend, and I trust her...but I can't tell her exactly how I feel. I don't trust others and quite honestly I really don't care. I want to have people in my life, I want friends and to trust people...but I can't. Ugh I don't know, I need to find happiness somewhere. I need to change things and make them better.
I'll put some of my writings up...they aren't anything great, and they are from 2005, so I was 15. Don't judge me too harshly
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
USE:
I couldn't see it at first,
I didn't want to see it.
I thought it was nothing,
I thought it wasn't important.
You said we would make it through,
That it's not important.
I know now that's a lit,
I know what you were doing,
You never loved me,
You never cared about me.
So you lied to me once again,
It has too become important.
And if we didn't we would be no more.
I'm glad I see it now,
Before things got to serious.
For you have not loved me,
All along it was,
USE.
Unimportant:
I am unimportant
I have lost my beauty
No one can hear my cries
No place to run to.
I am bruised by hatred words
No one there for me
No one seems to care
I am dying inside.
Turned away from society
Leaving my back against everybody
My head facing down
No reason for it to be raised.
People only pretend to care
They wonder what I did to myself
They don't understand that
They were the ones who did this to me.
Do they not know
I hear what they say about me
I see the looks they give me
I know what they think of me.
Do they not understand
That I too, am a person
I have feelings like they do.
That I cannot alwasy be strong.
Why now do they care?
I thought I was doing them a favor
By just disappearing
Solving everyone's problems.
Why now does everybody know who I am?
They didn't care about me before
When I was there in their presence
They never took the time to even consider me.
But now that I have gone
To a different place where
I won't be affecting them now
They seem to care that I'm not here.
Untitled:
How I thought these feelings were gone
And hoped they would never return.
I found out today just how
Quickly those emotions can return
I wanted so badly to
Press the blade against my skin.
I wanted to open myself up
Put force on the blade
To deepen a wound on my body
But I don't, I stop and think
How this will affect other.
But the emotions wash over me
And my tears keep falling.
It seems like I have no other choice.
I grab the blade
And press with extreme force
And my leg begins to bleed.
I press harder to make it bigger,
I can't feel anymore.
Everything seems to stand still.
My leg continues to bleed,
It is at that point that I realize
That because of my actions I was dying...
But, maybe it's the way things are suppose to be.
That's all I have to put up for now...but wow was I depressed.
On a good note, I got up today and tanned, went to class and went and worked out. In half an hour I'm going to go get my hair cut and styled. I'm pretty excited, it's been awhile since I've had my hair actually done.
Everyday is a new beginning.
