noreins

So I've been downloading some music, because I have absolutely none on my computer.

I hate songs that remind me of him, it makes me want to miss him. It's been years since we have been together, it was great yes, but ended terribly. Why would I want to miss him? After everything he did to me, I should hate him, I should wish him the worse, I shouldn't still love him. After all of the fighting and betrayal we did to each other in the past years, we are now close friends. I don't know how to handle it to be honest, we talk about relationships that we have had with each other, we talk about our old relationship and how we have both thought about being a family (he is the father of my son) and I don't know how to deal with it. He has came over in the middle of the night because he has needed to talk, and I can remember the last time he came over. We were laying in my bed just holding each other, and he said that he just can't let me go, that I still have his heart and that sometimes all he does is miss me. It's like the words I've been wanting to here for so long, but he has someone else, he says he is in love with her. I just wish he wouldn't tell me those things. I've been with other people, I have gone on dates...but nothing serious. For me, it's hard to let him go when I haven't loved anyone since him, I haven't felt the way I did when I was with him. Everything about our relationship was amazing and perfect, so why did I mess it up? Why did I lie to him for so long, why if I was so in love with him and truly saw a future with him would I risk it all? Maybe, that is what still gets me to this day, is I messed it all up. I lied to him for months about hanging out with my ex (I never cheated on him, I wouldn't do that to him ever.) But, I lied and pushed him away until one day I couldn't take it any longer and I came clean, he stayed with me, but it wasn't the same. He didn't trust me, I always got mad at him when he would questioned the things I was doing. I picked fights and drove him off.

Although, when we broke up, he made sure to get back at me for any pain I caused him, and he was sure to take all my friends with him. Here are the things he did to me and the reasons why I shouldn't miss him. He broke up with me to be with one of my good friends. I found out I was pregnant about a month after we broke up and he kept trying to pressure me into an abortion when he knew I wouldn't do that. He then slept with my best friend, who did it for revenge, who also told him that he wasn't the father of my child. Then he started denying being the father and calling me a slut, but there is no way that it's not his, he was the only guy I was with for two years that's including the time I conceived. He threw a phone at me when he got pissed one time. He raised his hand to me, more than once. He then slept with yet another good friend of mine, she is now the girl he is with. Then when my kidneys were shutting down on me and I had to be in the hospital for the majority of my pregnancy he came to visit me twice, once he showed up at like 10pm after he was at one of my friends house and then complained about how boring it was to just sit there and left within a half an hour. The other time was Easter, and he just dropped off flowers because I told the nurses he wasn't allowed to come and see me, I was pissed at him because I found out he slept with a decent friend of mine and then a girl whom I hated because the whole time we dated she would tell me things like I'm not good enough for him and would tell him she was going to do everything to break us up. He threatened me, by saying he wouldn't be there for me or the baby and that he would sign over all his parental rights so he wouldn't have to deal with me. He use to tell me how terrible of a mother I was going to be. Then, it came time to have my son and something happened, he grew up and was there for delivery and apologized for everything. For awhile, it was all going good, he was telling me that he wanted to be with me, he loves me, and that he wants to be a family. But, he neglected to tell me that he was still sleeping around with my friends. And then one of those girls was going around telling people that I abuse my child and that the only good thing in his life is his father and that she wishes she was the mother so he would be taken care of the right way. He didn't even stick up for me. So why do I miss him? Why can't I let him go?

The songs that remind me of him:
Don't Forget by Demi Lovato

Before The Storm by Nick Jonas feat. Miley Cyrus

Stay by Sugarland

Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You by Kellie Pickler

Help Me Remember by Rascal Flatts

Here Comes Goodbye by Rascal Flatts



Him and Me at our Junior Year MidWinter Dance, I was pregnant at this time.


Maybe it's not that I miss him, maybe it's I know what we had was amazing and when I listen to these songs that's what I think of, but, for him if he listens to these songs he is probably thinking of someone else. I just want him to remember what it was like for us.