Every few weeks or months or just when I'm having a hard time, I like to reevaluate my current situation. I look at my hopes and dreams, my fears and wishes, my goals and just life in general. Some of the things stay the same, and sometimes they completely change from what my original plan was. It's a scary thing sometimes, knowing that what I want has changed and not knowing how to go about accomplishing it. So here came this reevaluating time for me again. I usually write it in my notebook of what I call "Life's Expectations". But, one I misplaced my damn notebook and two it couldn't hurt to share all these with somebody; anybody. So here it goes...
My Fears: Never being enough, failure, being alone, being broken, disappointing my son, commitment, love.
My Wants: I want to give my son a family, to make my parents proud, to quit fucking up, to make a difference in my life and in others, to have my writing published, to mean something to someone.
My Goals: To be a teacher, to be a writer, to be an amazing mother, to be an artist, to open a dance studio.
I am terrified of commitment, but it's because it seems like every time I finally open up and let people in I get hurt. I was tired of hurting so I shut everyone out, and I quit hurting. I don't let people get close to me, if they don't get close enough then I can't get attached to that person. It's not that I want to go on forever without finding someone and always shutting people out. But, I want to find the guy that wants to get in, that will try to break down any wall I have up. I want to find the guy that feels like his existences was to find me, that we are truly meant to be, that I'm his reason for breathing, that he could never even think of being with anyone else when he has me. I want to be the one and only for someone. I want to give it my all, jump in head first; but I can't do that unless I know it's worth it. I don't date, in fact I haven't officially dated anyone since I was last in love. I was hurt pretty bad from him, and sometimes I know I'm still not over it. I still love him and care about him deeply, but sometimes I don't know if it is because he is the father or my child or because what he once gave me. I let him in and gave him my all, he was my world. When he left I was devastated, I felt like I lost everything. So anymore, I don't see the point in dating unless it shows great potential for a future or a great friendship out of it. Maybe, one day that guy will walk into my life.
So I'm entering my sophomore year of college. I still have no idea what to do. I love art and literature. I have thought about teaching at the high school level. I like children, but if I were to teach I want to be able to connect to the students, I want to show them how to advance in their lives. I remember high school for me and I absolutely hated it, it was full of peers who were anything but excepting. Also, full of the teachers who didn't care about the students. They went because it was their job, not because they wanted to make a difference. Most of the teachers weren't willing to help if you were stuck on homework, wouldn't work with you when you were sick and needed to catch up, it was just not how I always perceived a teacher to be. I am very much considering teaching high school English. I want to relate to the students and introduce them to amazing literature, give them an outlet of creative writing, I want to be that difference in their lives.
These are just a few things I think about. Maybe one days all my dreams will come true. Maybe one day I'll quit changing my mind about everything so I can figure it out.
My Fears: Never being enough, failure, being alone, being broken, disappointing my son, commitment, love.
My Wants: I want to give my son a family, to make my parents proud, to quit fucking up, to make a difference in my life and in others, to have my writing published, to mean something to someone.
My Goals: To be a teacher, to be a writer, to be an amazing mother, to be an artist, to open a dance studio.
I am terrified of commitment, but it's because it seems like every time I finally open up and let people in I get hurt. I was tired of hurting so I shut everyone out, and I quit hurting. I don't let people get close to me, if they don't get close enough then I can't get attached to that person. It's not that I want to go on forever without finding someone and always shutting people out. But, I want to find the guy that wants to get in, that will try to break down any wall I have up. I want to find the guy that feels like his existences was to find me, that we are truly meant to be, that I'm his reason for breathing, that he could never even think of being with anyone else when he has me. I want to be the one and only for someone. I want to give it my all, jump in head first; but I can't do that unless I know it's worth it. I don't date, in fact I haven't officially dated anyone since I was last in love. I was hurt pretty bad from him, and sometimes I know I'm still not over it. I still love him and care about him deeply, but sometimes I don't know if it is because he is the father or my child or because what he once gave me. I let him in and gave him my all, he was my world. When he left I was devastated, I felt like I lost everything. So anymore, I don't see the point in dating unless it shows great potential for a future or a great friendship out of it. Maybe, one day that guy will walk into my life.
So I'm entering my sophomore year of college. I still have no idea what to do. I love art and literature. I have thought about teaching at the high school level. I like children, but if I were to teach I want to be able to connect to the students, I want to show them how to advance in their lives. I remember high school for me and I absolutely hated it, it was full of peers who were anything but excepting. Also, full of the teachers who didn't care about the students. They went because it was their job, not because they wanted to make a difference. Most of the teachers weren't willing to help if you were stuck on homework, wouldn't work with you when you were sick and needed to catch up, it was just not how I always perceived a teacher to be. I am very much considering teaching high school English. I want to relate to the students and introduce them to amazing literature, give them an outlet of creative writing, I want to be that difference in their lives.
These are just a few things I think about. Maybe one days all my dreams will come true. Maybe one day I'll quit changing my mind about everything so I can figure it out.
And when it comes to finding the right guy, don't ever settle. You have been fucked over by so many guys. Hopefully since you had that talk with a certain boy last night, things will get better. I want so badly for you to be happy. And truthfully, I do think that he could make you happy but the two of you need to fully let each other in. If you are not ready, then I can understand that but honey, you cannot keep putting up a wall. And after the talk that the two of you had last night and how you told me how happy and grateful you were that the two of you talked about things, I really think that he cares about you pretty immensely. It's just a matter of the two of you having walls up. And even if it doesn't end up that he is the right guy for you, I strongly think that it will be a helpful experience for you. Like you said, you haven't been in a committed relationship in a long time and it's about time that you let someone make you truly happy. Yes, you might get hurt again. But you also might learn more about yourself by putting yourself out there to someone other than Danny.
Either way sweetheart, you will be okay. I promise you.
I love you, Ash.