nopantsdave

I just got another e-mail from my ex-girlfriend. She and I stopped talking to each other a couple months ago, but if you go back a week or so in my entries here you'll read about my brush with HPV and because of that I contacted her just in case I aquired it either before her or from her without her knowledge. Her response to my telling her about this was basically, "Oh, my ex-boyfriend had that, if you have any questions I can answer them." This pissed me off to no end. How could she have never told me that before, of all the things she did tell me of him, how could that have been left out? There was a time about a year ago that she noticed a little spot on my dick, I didn't worry about it at all. I never really pay that much attention to the aesthetic qualities of my own penis, so for all I knew it had been there for a long, long time. She basically just said, "Hey is that new?" What I have found out recently is that it looked very similar to the spots one may get from HPV, had she told me that at the time I would have run out and gotten checked; this is what pissed me off. Now from the reading I have done on the subject there are other things that can cause spots like that, so it doesn't necessarily mean I have it. She had told me several times that every test she had ever taken for STD's had turned up negative, but it's my understanding of HPV that a negative result does not necessarily mean that you don't have it, much like God, it's non-existence cannot be proven.

Anyway, this last e-mail I have recieved from her was venomous to say the least. She accused me of stringing her a long for a long time and overall treating her like shit. She implied that I never loved her and that I had just been using her. I don't think she's right. I rarely ever analyze my motives enough to know, but I don't think she's right. I did love her as a friend, maybe I never really loved her as more than that, but I believed I did. I can honestly say that I never set out to hurt her intentionally. She said that I was just acting the whole time, that's far from the truth...I was rarely thinking that far ahead, I was working on emotion rather than reason, maybe that is why I fucked things up so badly, emotion isn't exactly my forte.

She has already predicted that my current girlfriend and I will be broken up within a month. Apparently she sees the quarrel that we had last week as emblematic of some pattern in my life. Well, I saw it more as me trying to avoid a recurrence. I won't spend the time to list all of the complaints I had about my current girlfriend again. But she and I talked everything out, it really was a great conversation. We got everything cleared up. It's odd, my ex would have been balling throughout the whole conversation, but this girl was just laughing at my silly fears and overreactions. That's what it was too, I was worried that this relationship was going down the same path, but it isn't and for that I am glad.

My ex also seems to think that I am blaming her for me having HPV. How silly is that? I don't even know if I have it yet, I have either had class or work everyday and haven't had a chance to go get tested. Regardless, and I believe I mentioned this when I first talked about this, the only one I have to blame is myself. The only one I ever blame is myself. If I have it, it is my own damn fault for not being more careful. How could I blame her when as far as she knew and as far as she knows she doesn't even have it? How could I blame her when I don't even know if I have it yet? How could I blame her when I was every bit responsible as she was for us not using protection everytime? I should have known better, if I got it from her, it's my fault. If I got it from the girl before her, it's my fault. If I gave it to her, it's my fault (her current attitude is making that a much less painful thought, I was feeling pretty guilty about that chance before). The only thing I am upset with over this regarding her is the fact that she could have said how much the spot on me looked like the ones her ex had and that he had HPV, but even that, how upset can I really be at her, I'm still more upset with myself.

I've been called self-centered and selfish many, many times in my life. Many people that I meet think I am only out for myself. It's true in part. I do put more weight on my own feelings than I do on other people's simply because I don't feel their feelings, I feel mine. At the same time though I care very little for my own well-being. This whole HPV scare doesn't bother me one bit as far as my own health is concerned. My concern is that I will pass it on to other people. Especially considering the fact that for men this really isn't that dangerous, but for women it is much more so.

I need to quit babbling and get ready for work. Hope y'all don't mind that I am using this as a forum to rant. I'm sure if my ex comes along and reads this she will think this is all part of my act. There's no way I can prove that it isn't, but I also don't much care what she thinks anymore. She even suggested that I should be worried that my current girlfriend will come along and read what I have written about her, that's just funny. She and I have already discussed everything that I have bitched about in here. Anyway, like I said, I need to get running to work.....catch up with y'all when I get home......who knows, maybe I will have more to rant about after I have been driving around and thinking for several hours.....