There’s a particular situation that arose on Thanksgiving that is living rent free in my brain. And more than just being non-beneficial, it’s costing me my peace. However, it’s not something I want to write about publicly.
I thought about doing so for a moment though. Even started a draft in my notes app. Then thought better of it.
I’m still processing it, and while the act of writing about a troublesome situation can often be cathartic, I realized I was just running in circles when I began to draft my piece on the topic. I already had one major breakthrough in conversation with a friend who was present but didn’t participate. She validated my experience and asked some insightful questions that helped me better understand some of the options available to me. But now I’m left with the recognition that I’m going to have to confront some of the others involved in order to restore my own understanding of the dynamics in our friendships.
Without getting into: there was a breach of trust.
Close friends are not people with whom I expect to have to enforce my boundaries with. That’s what makes it nice about being able to open up to a close knit crew. There’s no guess work. I know exactly where I stand with each person in my close circle. And that all went out the window with a few people over Thanksgiving weekend.
At first I was angry. But there’s nothing to be done with that except to recognize why. As an aside: I once read that anger is yourself defending yourself against disrespect, and I felt that. And I did the work in understanding why and how that all came up. I also managed to burn up a lot of my anger in the process—long trail runs are therapeutic for shit like that—so by the time I spoke with my friend about it, I was able to clearly communicate how I felt: I was fucking confused and my walls were going up.
And now I’m just bitter about the situation and I don’t like that.
I had a training client earlier, and during our session, I realized one major reason why I enjoyed training so much: the dynamic is clear. There is no guesswork. It’s easy to enforce boundaries with clients. It’s easy to show up, do my job, and leave. And I’m damn good at what I do.
That’s not the case with superficial, casual, or intimate relationships though. At least, not without a whole lot of heavy leg work in the beginning to clearly define the dynamic. And not to say that the dynamic cannot change or be redefined once the initial understanding is made, but I appreciate clear communication about any changes in the dynamic that may occur. I don't shy away from “hey, can we talk?” because those conversations are important, and it’s been my experience that they shift to beneficial about as often as they do otherwise. Personally, I don’t like to be blind-sided. I want to know. Be fucking direct.
I don’t think that’s asking too much.
Anyway, super appreciate those of you who drop little love bombs on these posts. Much love to you all. And congratulations for hitting the front page today, @rocksy!
