Put up some of the pics from the Universal Studios trip I took this past weekend.
I tried to patch things up with the girl. I don't know how it is going to turn out. She needs time to think, and I'm just dealing with letting go and trusting that whatever happens it is for the best. It is really hard for me to not get wrapped up in ego and unconscious selfishness when it comes to relationships. They create a situation that fucks me up psychologically in almost every way. I get insecure, I worry about futures and problems that won't even exist for years to come, and I mess up good things because I let all my fears take control... It may be better all around if things don't work out, but I'm still going to try. If there is one thing that I can credit myself for, it is devotion. So I have to just let go. I can't worry about the outcome, what she is going to say or how she is going to feel about getting back together, because the fucking insane side of me is just screaming that she is going to decide we are better off apart and that life is going to fall to pieces if that is the case, and I can't listen to that shit. I can't listen to that trained voice inside my head blubbering away all the things that it has been taught to say to keep itself alive.
No matter what happens, it will be okay. The sun will still shine. My heart will still beat for a while. My breath will still comfort me, and I will still find joy and strength in life. Love is not meant to break us down, to delibitate us. It is meant to enrich and uplift, and if I don't start exemplify that it will just be another series of empty words that I say but don't understand. To understand something like that, no matter how much sense it makes in your head when you just say it, you have to live it.
I tried to patch things up with the girl. I don't know how it is going to turn out. She needs time to think, and I'm just dealing with letting go and trusting that whatever happens it is for the best. It is really hard for me to not get wrapped up in ego and unconscious selfishness when it comes to relationships. They create a situation that fucks me up psychologically in almost every way. I get insecure, I worry about futures and problems that won't even exist for years to come, and I mess up good things because I let all my fears take control... It may be better all around if things don't work out, but I'm still going to try. If there is one thing that I can credit myself for, it is devotion. So I have to just let go. I can't worry about the outcome, what she is going to say or how she is going to feel about getting back together, because the fucking insane side of me is just screaming that she is going to decide we are better off apart and that life is going to fall to pieces if that is the case, and I can't listen to that shit. I can't listen to that trained voice inside my head blubbering away all the things that it has been taught to say to keep itself alive.
No matter what happens, it will be okay. The sun will still shine. My heart will still beat for a while. My breath will still comfort me, and I will still find joy and strength in life. Love is not meant to break us down, to delibitate us. It is meant to enrich and uplift, and if I don't start exemplify that it will just be another series of empty words that I say but don't understand. To understand something like that, no matter how much sense it makes in your head when you just say it, you have to live it.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
kundalini:
I've said that to myself so many times, and yet, I haven't found that other way. I've tried to consider what good was going to come for me for the way I've felt, but I've come up as empty as I feel anyway. 
arete:
i think the fact that you're trying to let go and just let things happen is a step in the right direction. i hope things turn out. 