nolan_void

Tonight the old feelings are kicking me really hard. Just recently I have decided that I am tired of trying to build this awesome identity that will be good enough for whoever I decide to irrationally fall in love with. But tonight there is this unrest inside of me, as if I am afraid of wasting my life, afraid of growing to be an unproductive waste of chemical reactions. With this way of thinking I find that lots of things in my life lose their enjoyability. Everything starts to feel like a means to an end that I'm not entirely sure I'll ever even get to. I don't know how to escape this mentality. What's sad is that I don't really know any other reason for doing what I do. What has always been important to me is what I do not yet have, the future projection that I continously find myself trying to live in where I am in love and I have children, a future I'm not even sure if I am ever going to be ready for. Sometimes I have to wonder about my insecurities, and ask who the voice making all the judgements belongs to. Is it all the women I look at with a sinking heart when I try to figure out just what the hell it is that I have to offer, or is it my own demon? What possible fucking purpose could people have for developing all these mechanisms in their head that create this sort of spiritual torture? I don't understand why we go through shit like this, and I really wish I could just externalize these feelings into a being that I could fucking attack and kill.

It's at this point when I begin to see how really insane all of this is. Even if these aspects of myself were externalized into a being, I have come to realize that harming or destroying someone is not beneficial or moral and thus would not create a lasting solution. Even on a metaphorical level, there has to be some better way...