nolan_void

I see my therapist today and I'm not really sure what to tell her. I haven't really been up and I haven't really been down. I've been somewhat complacent I suppose. There is one issue that is starting to creep up on me though. I think I am afraid of losing my identity. All of the practices that I have been doing to help keep me in the present seem to have played a part in the breakdown of what I at one time considered myself. I'm not sure if I want that. The argument of course is that the self is an illusion, and what we think of as ourselves is not really the true essence of what we are, just something that has been conditioned and built up over time. Why then, do I still find myself afraid to let go of that? Sometimes I ask myself if it is better to live in illusion than to fully awaken to the truth, but the answer is always immediate and clear from my inner being. No, it is not. There is no doubt in my mind that truth and clarity are precious things, with far more depth and value than any phantom. And now that I think about it, all these fantasies and dreams of myself as how I sometimes want to be are not me. And the problem arises from trying identify myself with something that I am not, and then feeling as if I am not good enough when I do not live up to the expectations that I have of the dream form. The tragedy of such denial of what really "is", is that what I am is awesome. The miraculous dwells in every fiber of my existence, and a good spirit empowers my form, a spirit of light forged like a gleaming blade in the fires of the sun. At moments of realization such as this, I wonder, how could I ever want to be anything else?