nolan_void

Things haven't changed, but I don't feel really fucked up over it anymore. I think this is a record setting recovery time for me. I've kept trying to talk to the girl about the situation, about whether or not things are salvageable. I still strongly believe that she really loves me in the real sense of the world, but she's acted really pessimistic about even just sharing whatever time we have left before she goes to grad school or travels the world or whatever the hell it is she's going to do. So now I'm just kind of over it. Relationships are too much work for me to feel like I'm the only one doing it all even when I have none of the decision making power as to whether or not we keep seeing each other. So this kind of "c'est la vie" mentality has developed in me and whatever happens happens.

Yesterday I sat down and tried to discern whether or not I'm living my life the best way possible. It helped me get and understanding on some things that I tend to feel irrationally guilty over, like letting my artistic talent slip or go unpolished. But I came to realize that if something doesn't bring me joy or does bring me frustration, like trying to keep up with artwork with a busy seven day work week, then to hell with it. If things don't come naturally and easily, then I'm not going to struggle against them. Life has already got enough stuff to keep me busy without creating more struggle in my mind.

It also got me thinking more about the ways I have come to define magic in my mind, how it all comes through enlightened conscious presence as its base. Magic to me is a essentially empowerment in its essence, and human beings cannot be empowered without first being able to see and understand clearly. They have to be able to cast the light of their consciousness out into the world and observe how it works. Understanding is the major transmuting principle of all our suffering, and the key to giving us the power to truly determine our own actions, to truly choose and exercise our free will. Obviously a lot of Buddhist (mindfulness) and even Christian (free will) ideals have influenced this worldview, but to me all the world's religions are like pieces to a puzzle, each offering their own unique part of the greater picture and when we are able to combine their insights in the right way everything becomes a little bit more clear.

There is also a lot of anarchist ideals creeping in, but maybe not in the way that most people think. Anarchy, believe it or not, links up pretty handily with the notion of the Bodhisattva (the Buddhist equivalent of a saint who puts off nirvana in order to make sure everyone else becomes enlightened first). Anarchy represents not chaos and disorder, but people voluntarily ruling themselves because they realize that it is what is best. It's not a forced or arbitrary rule, but a rule of a person by himself over himself through realization of truth and rationale. It is empowerment of each and every individual, taking responsibility for their lives and actions, and moving themselves down the path of enlightenment. The Bodhisattva too hopes to give people the power to liberate themselves from their own suffering. And the notion of personal empowerment is also one closely bound to magical practice, so it all kind of acts as multiple rivers running towards the same ocean for me.