Couldn't shake a strange, desperate feeling yesterday. It was my day off, so I cleaned house, and I soaked a lot of old miniatures in simple green, then scrubbed the paint off with a toothbrush.
My mom was around for part of the day, and we talked and realized we're both screwed up in pretty much the same ways. I've spent a lot of my life feeling helpless in regards to the two people I care about most, my mom and sister. When I was a kid she dated a really abusive guy, and he was just this big demon of a person to me. I felt like there was nothing I could but hope they lived through it all, because I lived with my dad, so I was far away. Plus I knew if I ever called the cops or anything it would just make things worse. They never put wife-beaters away for long, and then when he got out he would pretend he'd turned over a new leaf just like he always did with everything else.
Now 11 years later, my mom is poor and my sister is stuck with her out in the middle of nowhere, and they lead this strange impoverished life while I'm doing everything I can to keep myself alive here, and I have it better off than they do in my opinion. I wish I could help them, but I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I could sacrifice, or give to help them be better off. And again, I feel kind of helpless. I guess I've never grown out of wanting to save, of wanting to fix things.
My mom was around for part of the day, and we talked and realized we're both screwed up in pretty much the same ways. I've spent a lot of my life feeling helpless in regards to the two people I care about most, my mom and sister. When I was a kid she dated a really abusive guy, and he was just this big demon of a person to me. I felt like there was nothing I could but hope they lived through it all, because I lived with my dad, so I was far away. Plus I knew if I ever called the cops or anything it would just make things worse. They never put wife-beaters away for long, and then when he got out he would pretend he'd turned over a new leaf just like he always did with everything else.
Now 11 years later, my mom is poor and my sister is stuck with her out in the middle of nowhere, and they lead this strange impoverished life while I'm doing everything I can to keep myself alive here, and I have it better off than they do in my opinion. I wish I could help them, but I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I could sacrifice, or give to help them be better off. And again, I feel kind of helpless. I guess I've never grown out of wanting to save, of wanting to fix things.
. How anyone could choose to live like that is beyond me. I guess that's just it, you can't save someone, but you can show them that there is another choice. You certainly can't force them to live another way, the way you think they should. My mother is bordering poor and will be soon, yet she spends as though her last name is Trump. Growing up poor, I save everything when I can. Maybe it's my addiction, but if I carry teabags with me, gas stations will give me free hot water, If I pack my own P B & J, I can make it through school and work and still concentrate. I still feel guilty for not contributing to my 401K and my mom couldn't care less. As though she doesn't see the future burden on me to take care of her.
Then comes the isolation of having your own problems and no one to turn to for understanding. Trailblazing, even the word seems sharp, jagged and rough.
Whatever you do, don't feel guilty for living hte life you feel you should. It's your path.