nolan_void

I can see the summer's end on the horizon, and quite frankly, I'm fucking tired of the 100 degree weather on a daily basis. I moved into the basement of a professor's house, which happens to be just by my school. The final two semesters are coming. They'll be hellish, but hopefully the idea of getting out for good will keep the fire lit under my ass. After that? Who knows. It's still a year away, even though a year doesn't seem so far these days. Unless of course, I'm thinking in terms of how long it has been since my last romantic relationship. From that perspective it has been a pretty fucking long year.

I went to a new bar last night. It was nice. It had good beer on tap with a reasonable cost, which is something of a rarity in this town. The bartender was an older woman, but she was still quite attractive, and I told her so. She returned the compliment. I thought about her for the greater remainder of the night. It is hard to say if anything would have come of it. I often feel paralyzed by the past when it comes to women. It is so much easier to just remain alienated from people. Rejection is scary, and getting up the nerve to ask people out has been something of a herculean effort for me all summer long, one that hasn't proved fruitful quite yet. So it goes.

Deep down I feel confident that I'm a good guy with good intentions, that any woman would be lucky to have me, but I'm still embarrassed about a lot of things in my life. Being in college, I still feel kind of like a little kid. I don't have a car, and I struggle to keep myself up financially, but I suppose I'm not the only kid in that situation. I guess the Buddhist way of looking at it would be "When conditions for love are sufficient, then love will manifest. As long as those conditions are not sufficient, then love will not manifest."