nolan_void

I was having a bit of a hard time earlier tonight. At first I was worried that I was overcome with aggression, maybe rage, but that was not it. It was more like a simmering bitterness deep within my gut. I felt maliciously and egocentrically bitter about so many things, things like that there are other men on the face of this earth who dare to be better than I am at anything. Then I thought about crushing them all. There was something gratifying about it in a sinister way, but I realized that this was not a healthy or desirable way for me to live. This is not a good way for anyone to think, for it can only breed suffering, within and without.

I stopped to think about the last time I identified with a hero. I've idolized and worshipped several, but I was hard pressed to find any one that I identified with because of similar qualities. I became concerned because it is a villain, more often than not, that I find myself identifying with. The insane, the wicked, the broken and hurtful, the vengeful are all these things that I could see myself as. Anything heroic seemed implausible. Nevermind the fact that I embody virtually none of those villainous characteristics mentioned above. I'm not devilish or malignant. I don't know why I found such ideas so intoxicatingly seductive, why I would entertain such fantasies of power and corruption.

I just get into these modes where I cling so ardently to pain and fear. I don't even realize I'm doing it. I cling to things in the past that I no longer have, and I project unrealistic expectations and fantasies onto other people. It is spiritually crippling. But there is a cure for it. Let go.

Stop carrying it all around, and just let go. Let go of the pain. Let go of the fear. Let go of your ex-girlfriend, and your dreams of what could have been or what might still be. Let go of these delusions of inadequacy that you keep close for no good reason. They just keep you lazy. They just hold you back. They just give you an excuse not to experience the world at its fullest for fear that it might change you or destroy you.

Can rejection from anyone destroy you? Does that make you cease to be who you are?

There is nothing to be afraid of. There is no reason to keep suffering. Let go, and allow everything to unfold, to be the way it was meant to be, to be the way it is.