noirin

it's monday morning 5:19
and i'm still wondering where she's been
coz every time i try to call
i just get her machine...

whatever happened to Rialto? oh well, that was their only good song besides Broken Barbie Doll.

i feel less reflectively shit right now because for me it is technically still Sunday evening even though my clock says it is monday morning. and i have had a great evening in this restaurant near embankment chilling to a LIVE JAZZ BAND!! doesn't sound so great i grant you but that is one of my main aims in life! i have always wanted to be in a bar where there was a live jazz band in the background! admittedly, i had more ideas towards smoky, badly lit bars in the wrong end of town a la raymond chandler, and less heavy on the ropelights, but it still managed to evoke the atmosphere i was after. we met these cool american tourists [we met because the lady, laura, picked up mark's book off our table and began examining it, and subsequently took quite shine to him hehe!] and when we asked them what tourists found to do in london on a sunday night they said they had no idea hence their presence in the immediate vicinity. oh well! they took our photo with lots of incredibly advanced photography equipment, should have mugged them really. darn my good nature...

this sounds so trivial but i went to the stable today. i've not been since i was 15 or something but it instantly brought back all the memories and all the knowledge, and i decided to start riding again. when i get paid, first thing im buying [well, after like my food and travelcards] will be some new jodhpurs and riding hat. and that'll be half my wages gone i should imagine, inflation etc...actually im still pretty embittered but i always used to take out my aggression riding, im one of these really competitive people who, when feeling low, prefers to become really accomplished rather than vengeful and corrupt muhahaha. so i used to imagine the people who'd hurt me watch me showjumping and instantly my bearing and position would improve, so i intend to revert back to that for my feelings of self-validation.

don't get me wrong, mark does loads for my self-esteem and contentment, but that competitive bit of me hates being a loser. clare you know that more than anyone i think! i really need you right now, please update or be around or call me, i need a friend. nah not really, im not all sappy and gay like that, i just need someone to bitch at who truly understands that i AM a bitch!! you are that salvation my sweet. hehe!