noirin

right i feel the need to justify the weepy pic i posted as my profile shot because i can't seem to get a new one to upload and i feel embarrassed in case people think it's related to the previous journal entry about the girl!

it isn't. in a songlike form i can write only words of pain and desire to damage and feel damaged and anger at ghosts which never helps. people sometimes say things without thinking to stop and other times they say things without thinking outside their own world. sometimes i am not part of that world so there is no reply. sometimes this happens more than once. makes me want to cut out pain with a chainsaw but i feel weak and out of control. because of a memory someone sparked that has no real bearing on anything and no real menace anymore but inertia catches you out. i will feel well again soon. but i think it is making me physically unwell, everything i eat is making me sick but that may be the hepatitis, yellow fever and typhoid vacs speaking. and maybe it is them making me feel so strangely paranoid, i know my body is very protective of its privacy and it resents intrusions. it made me nicotine intolerant, now it's moving on to anything remotely unhealthy, i'm gutted! but i need to write because sometimes people need to read. i'm not being very good at communicating at the moment and i'm truly sorry. this is for those of you who are worrying. i'm sorry, please don't!

i spoke some more today with someone who could help and i became more apathetic by the second so perhaps it is just a momentary lapse of reason, i do hope so!