nogodsnomanagers

aaah, and the festivities are over for another year
hope you all got things that you wanted but not so many that you'll be nasty spoilt brats next year

not a bad few days really, though me and my moms hangin out with someone else's family without my da feels horrid, and i do have to make gritty teeth smiles and natter about the most boring shite in the universe ever with people i don't really like and who blatantly think i'm a wretched little waste of time.... would be the same if they were my family i'm sure, i wish i had some in this country. family's family, even if they're vile innit

i'm hoping i'll be out of my hole soon. the past few months have been fucking awful, i didn't even leave my house on my 21st if that gives you any indication of how pathetic i've been lately. the boys had to come round and feed me drugs to raise a smile. thank you benji for calling you sweet, sorry i couldn't be more.... me

was playing with a bit of metal earlier with my teeth, as you do, and it went through one of my lip holes even though i took my piercings out in september. fascinating, no?

i don't want to be at university, but i can't leave or i'll be pissed at myself for quitting forever. i need to move somewhere sunny. i need my mother to cheer the fuck up, and not look like i've broken her soul if i voice my own unhappy feelings. i can't just ignore her but i can't stand being around her. i want to start real life, i want to feel like a real person

i keep having dreams about moving to the states. and my dead friend clare. and feeling like big chunks of my life didn't really happen
why do i feel so scared and anxious all the time? i'm incapable of feeling comfortable. when i'm with people i want to be alone and when i'm alone i think i'm going properly keeeraaazeee. i'm incapable of pottering about happily killing time which has been 90 percent of my life's activity so far. can't make anything, can't write anything, can't think straight

what's gunna change, how am i going to fix this? suggestions on a postcard please
preferably all sequiny

i know i've been so shitty at leaving people lovely messages recently, so thanks for still leaving them for me, there's just something so special about people you know buuut don't know reeeally caring enough to say hi now and then

i will get better, i hope you're all happy chickens and that you make the most of the rest of this year before you have to start giving up smoking/cake/fun for resolutions
i'm not giving up anything good, just shit stuff: worrying, washing too much, continuity, and being selfish

xxx