nogodsnomanagers

i'm going home this week

first i'm visiting my Mad chica in london, i can't wait to see her
then i'm getting a ride home with my mom and my uncle and aunt who are coming over from america

then bendy and cheese are coming to visit me and take long walks down memory lane and get wasted and try and make clare proud of the way we're dealing with her absence. in my recent drug-addled days i've found myself talking to her, and i can't tell if it really matters to me that that is just a bit weird

then my dad's memorial happens on saturday. and my ex will be there. and some really old friends. and it will be nice but weird. and my dad's family will look at me and my hair and my clothes like i should be shot. but they were never part of our lives anyway. and i swear if i get any shit from those cunts i will kick their teeth in

soooo. last night i finally succeeded in wrecking myself
i woke up at about 4, smoked a biff, had a beer, layed around in bed some more
my flatmates cooked. we had civilised dinner. i drank more
i went round to b61 where they had just come back from "fear and loathing in blackpool" that i missed due to being a fuck up
we drank maddog 20/20, white cider, stella and vodka in a big measuring cup
nurse sally administered

billy the whiz showed up. that was stupid
then for some reason an obscene amount of mdma

i had to get out of there before the popcorn we chucked all over the floor started to attack me. the wax dripped down the side of the tv and then we bobbed for apples in freezing water. sideshow bob and the crew were about to come up in a BIG way and i didn't know if i could handle the fondling. the fucking vapouriser is a blessing. i left with my hair wrapped in cling-film and kisses all over my bald head feeling like my mind had been raped
sally said she was proud of me

then drank red wine and smoked with george and matt
more stupid drugs
blah blah blah

needless to say i missed my lecture this morning
i had a fry up cooked for me

i cannot remember where i am supposed to be in the grieving process

and then i think i don't really give a shit

must sober up before i see my mother
i have 2 days......that should be enough