nogodsnomanagers

it's that cold again
the initial friendly caress i've missed so long but
soon it seeps through my thinned skin, storms through my veins again
though i knew it would be so i feel the change acutely and am a different person now
things i felt brutally ebb from my body with the last warmth from my core
this change releases old joys, opens old wounds and in moments my spirit is transformed
my skin prickles with recollection as its suit sucks my bones
yawning cavity within
there is no sound in a vacuum
when will i feel that heat again,
radiating from me even as it beats into me its unmistakable rhythm
soft and persistant
let it soon replace this grinding ache, hard and tense
fast and dark
when will i again be held in warmth reciprocal
or held at all
this cold has a fickle grip
whips about me and deserts
i'm left with a shiver
just a spasmic reaction
it means nothing
in this cold i am alone

********************

just in case anyone cares i wrote that in in between flights in new york when i was moving back to england from barbados
changing my life again
leaving people who changed me
reducing everything i'd lived and breathed for significant time to an elaborate dream sequence
it seemed appropriate seeing as i was hit by a change in chill factor outside today having been inside since friday night
though it's not really about the weather

************

today there has been

frustration
finally food
ache
disappointment
contentment
amazement
conflict
turmoil

but i feel inner well-being
and i hate to speak too soon, but i feel -a little- better

tell me three things that make you realise you are lucky and essentially happy to be alive
mine:
1. though my friends are too diverse, involved and remote to "be there" for me all the time i am reminded occasionally that as much as i am glad and amazed to have such great people in my life they think the same thing about me. i do matter. and that's wow
2. sometimes i'm appreciated for things i don't even think about doing/saying/thinking by people i don't even know
3. there are so many beautiful things i've heard, read, seen that have inspired countless more beautiful things (and not so great things) and continue to do so in huge cycles and human expression is just bloody marvellous. even though frustrating coz i'll never ever reach any sort of heights with my own creations, the trying and the being inspired to try is a gorgeous thing

ok so those were all really selfish things but they're what popped into my head right now. there are so many more at the moment
battling with intensely ridiculous awful thoughts
but really i'm fucking chirpy considering
don't you just want to kick me in the head?
half of me does
and the other half wants to dance naked near a little stream and make daisychains
joy and pain joy and pain
and i've had no sleep at all so i'm piffling utter cuntbollocks (i have created a new word, yay)

ok i'm shutting up now

must avoid talking to mother
she'll *suggest* meds again
goddamnit



edited to say: fuck i sound like a twat
sorry, i'm in odd odd moods
obviously
i will overcome
ok, i'm gunna go scream obscenities and watch joe pesci stab some dude in the neck with a pen

ps new pics