nogodsnomanagers

bloody nose, bloody phlegm
and soon a bloody cunt
as if i didn't feel shite enough already

today i had the energy to at least:

. put eyebrows on
. bite my nails
. cut my hair
. wash my hair
. get dressed
. eat a sausage
. make a tape
. pay my credit card bill
. think about mourning
. colour in the bleach stains on my jumper with felt tip pen
. make matt laugh

luckily none of this involved leaving the house
i have not been outside since saturday

i'm thinking of my mamma hard right now coz 3-5 is her worst time of day for grief apparently
my grieving times are all over the shop
sometimes i'm elated
bizarre seeing as i'm running a fever (yes, it's back) and my entire body hurts like fuck and i can't speak a sentence without coughing up goo
not that i really want to talk to anyone

this summer was the first extended period of time i've spent living at home since i was really very young. i'm used to being away. he died the week before i moved out again. that was a busy week, not much time to think. and since i've been here i've not been sober/well/sane enough to think very hard....and i'm away from home so things don't seem that different from when i was away before. except now i can't call home in the day and know i'll hear his voice and not my mother's on the anwering machine. i can call between 3 and 4 now because there will be no one having a "snooze". i won't get stupid postcards with illegible writing on the back (or, i will. but not from him). when i speak to ma she won't say her line about handing the phone to an anonymous handsome admirer
and a whole host of other stupid stuff you don't want to know about

ehem, that's enough self-indulgent piffle from me

ugh, FB still like the static you get on tights when they come out of the dryer. he came over drunk last night. me feeling the way i do it made me
irrationally, i wanna stab you you cunt (but i can't coz i'm so ill waaaah), grrrr angry
and then i felt guilty
but i'm learning to live with guilt pretty well these days
i think i squashed jiminy cricket a while back
cricket goo smooshed on my shoe

it's stopped raining, perhaps i'll go for a walk

i got no spirit left to break. i'm losing my brain. what can i do. gunna kill myself cuz of you
oh i have a craving for tia carrere's ballroom blitz
(ha, she thinks she's the passionate one)

i am so full of shit

word, power and sound
ng nm

ps, go ask alice. coz she whored herself to the beegees, and then steps. or at least a mutation of her bass line
hmmm auralucination