nogodsnomanagers

ok, so don't hold your breaths to read this one.....maybe get a cup of tea
it's been a dodgy and violently fluctuating day for me mood wise.....(plus i'm suspectly inebriated for this time of day so i'll ramble)

i got absolutely not one wink of sleep last night, kept signing off SG and coming back to chat again after trying and failing to sleep for a while, ended up stayin on from 4 until like 6
then i was writing for a while (good new story) after being inspired by antenna's script
then it was fucking bright outside and the freakin birds were at it so i thought, well, the sleep thing isn't happening...

bumped into my mum and she got all pissed because i'm making her worry about me (eh? what, i have kept to myself and made sure not to whine and shit....mothers, pfft) told me i looked frail, tried to feed me, helped me do washing, that mother-type stuff. so that little bit of time was aggravating and then quite sweet

so about 8 am i went for a walk round my village
crispy cold morning but with bright bright sun
low mist and that nice stripey sunlight.....i came over all mushy about leaving the land civilisation forgot

anyway, i was pootling along listening to a rather good mix that fab made for me and i was feeling jolly, had a bit of a kip on this bench that looks over all these fields and trees and countryside type stuff....

then i got home and i don't quite remember the point it got crap but it did
i broke my favourite jack daniels mug
sr was being glib in his texts that fucked me off
i was trying to pour my heart out to him because i was feeling very very lonely as all my friends seem to have forgotten about me since monday (he's not a home friend he lives far away and has little to do with my life except that i want him. bad. and he...well who knows what he wants) and my dad situation is....difficult and sad-making very much
he was reminding me how desperate the whole friends thing was because he was the only one i had to talk to...where were my "best friends"?
then he got angry at me because i was stoned and had started drinking (yup, an early day for me......but fuck it i deserve it with my inner turmoil at such record-breaking levels)
i normally condemn intoxication as escapism but i was willing to make an exception

so, fucking glad i did now coz i feel marvellous
and i couldn't resist texting him to say as much
...and apologising for bringing him into my little drama queen day. you know the ones
"i'm so alone, no one understands me, i'm so deep i could drown an elephant..." yada yada and so on and so forth....oh yeah and "poor little me"

yeah, and i abandoned my previous thoughts of
"fucked if i'm going to call my "best friends" to see what they're doing.....they should be calling me shouldn't they...(here we descend from indignation to despair and melancholy)....noone cares for me...." etc (see drama queen description above)

called mads, jimmy's back from france so no wonder
asked me to the beach but, i don't want to disgruntle this miraculous recovery thing i've got going on...
if they go to alice tonight i'll be sad coz i miss out!

hmmm, and that takes us to the present, where i'm sitting on my (newly vacuumed) floor
and that reminds me, i finally cleaned my room out (well, the slackers version)
i was horrified at the revolting...,it can only be described as gunk, on my floor......and the sheer mass of it all

so yeh, here i am sitting. i've got that weird smoke city song "underwater love" on
i'm liking it

BIG smiles to everyone

especially:
Antenna, for sharing the script and saying i had talent
Mikhaill, for helping me with names (shhh!) and my first testiclemonial
The artist formerly know as pervy, for TRIVIA
and frowns too for not reading my name right even though i'm supposed to be your friend (sniff...i feel a drama queen coming on,..)
Crayonscars for amusing me in chat being quite drunk and very dirty, disgusting he is. but he blushes too, haha

if i have forgotten you it's because i think you suck
i take it back, it's because i hate myself and i don't think i'm worthy of posting your name in my journal

told you it was a mood swingy day



*lies back and enjoys the rollercoaster ride that is her inner turmoil*

sorry i took so long
NG NM ____________________________________________

YAY, i have friends! Johnny Trump is comin over with donnie darko and series7 the contenders to watch!
and 60cm purple garden incense sticks she stole from work!

oh the fun we shall have!
NGNM