noctem

Today was a day of rampant highs, and desperate lows.

High point: I got to meet a 6 year old chimpanzee named Cody. Someone brought him into the mechanic's garage next door to my work where he proceeded to play with tires and dole out handshakes and hugs. He's got quite a grip


Low point: I may have ended a 4 1/2 year relationship with my girlfriend today. My heart hurts....


Fuck....That's all I can think right now....Fuck. I think it really is over. I walked out tonight. I ended it. I had to. There was nothing else I could have done. But God, it fucking hurts. 4 1/2 years. The love of my life, and it ended tonight. For my own mental health and sanity, I had to leave. This isn't the first time she's broken my heart, but it'll be the fucking last. And I still love her so much, that's what makes this even harder. At least if I hated her it would numb the pain a little. How does one cope with that? It's like loosing a leg. She's not going to be there any more. I'll have to learn to walk again. On my own. Like I used to. All I asked for in this relationship was honesty, and that was one thing I never got. This is going to be a strange time in my life. This knot in my chest doesn't help either. Anxiety. Shaking, neusea, short rapid breathing. What the fuck? It's like I took a massive blow to the head. I'm sorry if you're actually reading all this. It's just something that I need to get out here. I really don't think this is going to blow over and get patched up. I've done that already. And just when old wounds begin to heal, new ones are torn open. God, she's my best friend. But this is all or nothing. Sever all ties. This isn't one of those things where we can end up being friends after the dust settles. I miss her already. Fuck. I feel sick......