My application got approved. Nextttt I am shooting my set with Senior Chase, which is going to take place late in December. I am excited!
Completely un-related, but I actually thought this entry might have relevance on SG.
On the subject of self-mutliation (sorta):
I don't cut myself and I never have, so it's not as dramatic as that.
When I look at the color pictures Caleb took, the first thing I notice about my appearance is all the red blemishes on my skin (on my chest and my arms). They're either zits, infections, or scars.
It's not really something I talk about that often, not because I'm uncomfortable with the topic, but because it's just pretty boring. But it's something that I know other people notice and maybe wonder about, but maybe I'm flattering myself. Or, maybe I think it looks a lot worse than it really does. In any case, I'm a compulsive skin picker -- I've been picking obsessively since high school, and my skin shows the results. I usually spend about half an hour every night doing it. I have layers of tiny scars on my arms.
I don't really hate the scars. They're part of me, as lame as that is. It's a part of my history, I guess; for years and years and years, whenever my brain was too full, I'd just turn on a CD and start touching my skin, and my brain kinda went blank, and I could really relax. And I still like the idea that no matter what happens, I can find a way to comfort myself. It's nothing all that deep or profound, I don't think. A lot of it has to do with the rhythm of my breathing when I'm doing it. I feel cleaner afterwards (even though it's prob just spreading the germs!). Most people will understand when I say it's very satisfying. Most of all, it's a ritual.
I hate the infections more, because I know how unhealthy those are, and as I get older my body is going to have a harder time fighting the infection off. I'm not sure, but I think my ear infection might have been caused from picking at my ears, because I was convinced there was a zit there. (Solution: CLEAN YOUR FUCKING EARS, MORON). But I'm actually getting quite a bit better, because I have switched to plucking my hair insted of picking -- I know that's still icky and OCD, but it's much less harmful to my skin.
Anyway, I'm just making this post to say that... I know they're there. I know some people might think it's ugly and gross. And while I certainly don't think that the scars are aesthetically pleasing, I don't hate myself for it or anything. I'm not embarrassed about it. The only thing that REALLY bothers me is when my mom hassles me about it and thinks I attribute some kind of emotional DEPTH to the whole thing, like I'm doing it specifically to bother her and prove to her that I'm DISTRAUGHT ON THE INSIDE. Or that it's as easy as saying "gee, this is bad for me, I should stop." I'm always trying to stop, but it's a habit, and habits are hard to break. Everyone needs a vice! No, I don't mean to dismiss it at easily as that. I know I don't want to be doing this for all of my adult life. I guess I need to find something else as equally relaxing.
Completely un-related, but I actually thought this entry might have relevance on SG.
On the subject of self-mutliation (sorta):
I don't cut myself and I never have, so it's not as dramatic as that.
When I look at the color pictures Caleb took, the first thing I notice about my appearance is all the red blemishes on my skin (on my chest and my arms). They're either zits, infections, or scars.
It's not really something I talk about that often, not because I'm uncomfortable with the topic, but because it's just pretty boring. But it's something that I know other people notice and maybe wonder about, but maybe I'm flattering myself. Or, maybe I think it looks a lot worse than it really does. In any case, I'm a compulsive skin picker -- I've been picking obsessively since high school, and my skin shows the results. I usually spend about half an hour every night doing it. I have layers of tiny scars on my arms.
I don't really hate the scars. They're part of me, as lame as that is. It's a part of my history, I guess; for years and years and years, whenever my brain was too full, I'd just turn on a CD and start touching my skin, and my brain kinda went blank, and I could really relax. And I still like the idea that no matter what happens, I can find a way to comfort myself. It's nothing all that deep or profound, I don't think. A lot of it has to do with the rhythm of my breathing when I'm doing it. I feel cleaner afterwards (even though it's prob just spreading the germs!). Most people will understand when I say it's very satisfying. Most of all, it's a ritual.
I hate the infections more, because I know how unhealthy those are, and as I get older my body is going to have a harder time fighting the infection off. I'm not sure, but I think my ear infection might have been caused from picking at my ears, because I was convinced there was a zit there. (Solution: CLEAN YOUR FUCKING EARS, MORON). But I'm actually getting quite a bit better, because I have switched to plucking my hair insted of picking -- I know that's still icky and OCD, but it's much less harmful to my skin.
Anyway, I'm just making this post to say that... I know they're there. I know some people might think it's ugly and gross. And while I certainly don't think that the scars are aesthetically pleasing, I don't hate myself for it or anything. I'm not embarrassed about it. The only thing that REALLY bothers me is when my mom hassles me about it and thinks I attribute some kind of emotional DEPTH to the whole thing, like I'm doing it specifically to bother her and prove to her that I'm DISTRAUGHT ON THE INSIDE. Or that it's as easy as saying "gee, this is bad for me, I should stop." I'm always trying to stop, but it's a habit, and habits are hard to break. Everyone needs a vice! No, I don't mean to dismiss it at easily as that. I know I don't want to be doing this for all of my adult life. I guess I need to find something else as equally relaxing.
josiejo:
i completely understand