At 19, I was told I’d never make it as a model. I was told I was too big to be a fashion model, too small to be a plus sized model, too tattooed to be an art model. Modeling has been just a hobby since then. But it has also been more… it has been a creative outlet, a sexual outlet, a tool of self-confidence, and an escape from the stresses of real life at times.
I started following Suicide Girls around 2007. At the time, I was young and dumb… but smart enough to know what goes on the internet is there forever. I worried about my future. I avoided submitting to SG. Fast forward to 2020. Man, what a year, right?! I’ve nicknamed 2020 the year of “fuck it”. I got to a point in my life where I decided that I need to live my life for me… not for my parents, my extended family, my friends, or my coworkers. I decided to take a step further into the modeling world and it’s been an incredible 3+ years.
Being a Suicide Girl may seem like something silly to most. It may seem ridiculous or stupid to some. For me, it’s on my bucket list… my must-do’s before I die… one of my big goals in life… my dream. Why? I want 19 year old me to feel healed. I want her to feel accepted. I want her to feel like she’s enough. Will just becoming a Suicide Girl give me that? I don’t think so… but I do feel like it will help make the scar fade. It will prove that a girl that was told time and time again “you’re just not right for the job” has finally found a home. It will make this weird, strange, fucked up, medicated-crazy kind of girl feel beautiful.
