nirbhao

get it in before two o'clock after two there's a chance he might not see I feel like shit such a clich what does it mean and am I sure I feel that way or is it just my mind I worked so hard making sense of the emotional pain by making it physical that my body has learned we skip the tools of logic the lighter the razor to tweeze and instead my body goes directly to illness shaking when I'm hot sweating when I'm cold I'm too hot too cold I think my face is sunburnt but I haven't been outside and as I drive home coming up with poetry I think I should say to the man who is filling his gas tank with the red one gallon bucket that he almost made it three feet more to the driveway handsome what here I am caught up in how unbelievably sexy the ceramic mug in your car cupholder is there's no way to connect it and so I just don't feeling this natural meter which probably isn't even there I may as well rub vaseline on my face but seriously I would like to cut off all of my hair it is only beautiful in quiet moments that I don't have anymore I am a lichen growing in a fissure in a rock in the desert a miracle utterly unreal but instead we look for life forms whose origins are other rocks hurdling through space hurdling through time which is spherical how are we so bold so proud in the face of such humbling awe painting spiders and ghosts flames and smoke which are really all one in the same the ghosts that is I decided that were I to kill myself I would have to tell my parents so that they wouldn't worry or mourn but the conversation would be rather awkward and as long as I'm talking I'm fine I think you were the only one who figured it out it isn't that there is no love it's that we are careless you and I and things get damaged not beyond repair but I am shy and you are tired not interested in the pleasure I take from my pain at this point to vomit would be a relief but despite my fat belly there is nothing inside so instead I will shake and I will sweat and find that line between the study of law and the hole in my heart