nirbhao

I've been feeling pretty down. not devastated, but drained.

I'm not looking forward to re-explaining things I don't quite understand to my cardiologist, primary care physician, and ...uh... sleep study tech? within the next week. the idea of having a seizure disorder made sense. it wasn't ideal, but I understood it. not knowing is just a little bit tiring. if I don't have narcolepsy (my dad is actually rooting for this option, which is funny in a very twisted way) and am not in cardiac distress (which.... I doubt), I have to do that test where they admit me to the hospital for a week and take me off my medication. and I'm just kind of at a point where I don't want to do that.

I went two years really without symptoms. I don't know why they are suddenly back.

and the work stuff is hard in kind of a similar way. I'm not sure how much I'm just being insecure, but at the end of last week I sent a little PSA-get-your-missing-items-in-so-we-can-fund-your-deal-quicker and I was told I need to have approval before sending anything but the standard missing items faxes, which is frustrating. I was moved into this department to learn underwriting, and although I am pretty confident decisioning loans, I've only been able to have the final say on a few occasions. I know our company, department, and program inside and out, but the fax thing took my feet out from under me, mostly because I had no idea I was doing anything wrong.

so I'm probably overly sensitive right now about every little thing at work.

it does not help that I'm bleeding. I swear I should up my antidepressants when I'm on my period.

it doesn't help that my schedule is completely out of whack right now, and so I feel like a bad employee, or that I can't leave for lunch or anything because I can't drive and so I think sometimes people think I am working when I'm punched out and knitting or whatever. (shakes fist at secretary of state) oh wellz

plus I'm mourning a few losses, like cigarettes. it always seems that life is a little more stressful the week you first quit, but I'm sure that's a matter of perception. it's like Airplane, right? looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines

and my friend... (sigh) now is the time when I really could use a hug from someone other than, you know, my mom or my dog, which is, I guess, why I was guilting him into being in my life. looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue

I got five blocked hang-up calls yesterday. well, I only answered the first time, and the fourth time, my dad happened to be right there so I let him answer. no messages. I really do not feel like changing my phone number again.

on the plus side, people *are* being extremely gentle with me. I'm doing my best to be chill about things, and I think it's paying off.

last night, my parents and I stood out in the street and watched the space station go by, which was great nerdy fun. one of the neighbors came to the window and looked at us suspiciously, which was kind of silly, because we are far less interesting than a space station (or its accompanying satellites).

I've really regrouped about the house thing, and I have a new and improved plan in motion. I honestly just got impatient. I had originally planned to wait until at least fall of 2008. there's a lot to it that I didn't want to go into here, but when it really comes down it, it's very difficult not being able to be independent. I dropped out of high school and moved out on my own when I was 17. I lived on my own until my heart surgery. my parents are saints for taking me back in rent free and being so supportive, carting me around all over the place now that I've lost my license, but they already live pretty far away from everything; not within walking or biking distance and not even within walking or biking distance to a bus line. they had planned to sell this house this month and move further out from the city, and they didn't because of me. right now, they are taking their time getting the house ready, and of course they haven't whispered a syllable about me being the cause of the change in plans, but it still feels pretty gross. anyway, I've put together a plan to save pretty seriously and I already have been paying down my debts so that's just going to continue. in 72 weeks, I should be in a perfect position to buy.

now I just have to be patient!

I am going to spend some money on Mackinac Island, though. my uncle from Scotland will be here next week, and we're going up to Mackinac, and my moccasins are worn through so I'm going to get a new pair.

and this year is going by way too quickly because that seemed like it was so far out... the end of June? next week? not possible.