nirbhao

guess what.

I'm totally quitting smoking for realz.

no, really. stop laughing.

see, I truly enjoy the act of 'moking some good tobacco. nothing, in my opinion, competes with the almighty cig when it comes to addiction. I believe it to be a combination of cultural conditioning, personal excuse making, pharmaceutically induced chemical imbalances, and ten years of habit (minus six months around my heart surgery).

I love Kamel Reds.

filters are okay. I smoke the harsh shit, though, and I can smoke a whole pack when I go out to the bar for the night. when I get drunk or stoned, I need another cigarette. it's that oral fixation. I just don't stop. you would think I would be constantly sick. I see doctors all the time for my broken heart and broken brain, and they say, "do you smoke?" I say yes and they ask how much and immediately the stethescope comes out. it's time for deep breaths. the only time I've actually ever really been ill, though, was when I was driving taxi and I got a nasty virus. I blame it on everything dirty that was around me and not the chemicals I bought.

what you take won't kill you / be careful of what you're given

(ironically enough, I'm listening to I Touch Myself ha ha)

anyway. I love me some tar blue smoke.

I do not, however, love the idea of lung cancer, tracheotomies, or emphysema. I don't like how much time it takes out of my life to go away from the people I am spending time with or the work that I am doing to puff a fag. I hate feeling like a slave to my cravings. I hate getting into other people's cars and not being able to smoke when my car was one of my favorite places to pollute the air. I hate smoking around my dog wondering if I'm giving her cancer!

I hate it when I have no money and I need a cigarette. I hate digging through ashtrays for a butt long enough to light. usually I'm digging through my own, but I've smoked butts whose original smokers were unknown to me. gross! I hate strategizing how I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes. I hate choosing. will it be gas or smokes? food or kamels? if I get pall malls, I can get both... and I HATE bumming. trading and paybacks are okay, in my opinion. bumming, on the other hand, when you have no idea if you'll be able to return the favor... that sucks.

fuck, at work we may as well have a communal carton. hey, heather, I've never tried that kind, I'll trade you for one of mine...

but when you're at the train station and you could probably swing it if you ran across the street to buy a back but instead you ask the guy on the bench next to you to bum you one... that's low.

I actually didn't realize I was a smoker until I tried to quit when I was 21. I had been smoking for 7 years at point. so I tried a lot. I did successfully quit for six months around my heart surgery and then I let up for a long while because I thought my constant trying was diluting my ability.

I recently started trying again using the cutback method, and I had a lot of help from my family. nicotine's got quite a solid hold on me. so I've done my research and I'm curbing a bit, but then on May 6th, I'm going cold with the help of a nicotine inhaler.

so:
bug me.
ask me how I'm doing.
check in.
harrass me.

I want to quit. really.