nirbhao

girl stuff

non-smokers and non-menstruators alike may not be impressed that I went though more tampons than cigarettes today. that rules out a lot of people, actually. (sigh)

basically, I bleed. enthusiastically.

I was up at 5am this morning completely unable to stop coughing. turns out that my strep has metamorphed into bronchitis. okay, so I've got the whole CHD thing going on, the whole post-stroke, post-TBI high maintenance health thing going on, but I usually NEVER get coughs, colds, flus, infections, viri-- whatever. I have enough bullshit going on with my goddamn chronic conditions that my body has been pretty nice about fighting off the seasonal stuff pretty decently. I am pretty cranky about this bullshit headcold, needing antibiotics crap.

but my mommy made me a really good dinner with fresh squash from the garden tonight and decaf earl grey tea, so that made me feel a lot better. mmmm....

oh, but I did have another cranky moment today, and this one does deserve a full-on rant. and I apologize because I know "blogs" that get to ranty are no good to read, but (sigh) this brings me to the point of tears with frustration.

my student loans went out of deferment (i.e.: I had to start making payments on them) while I was in serious job transition, during the period of time when I went several hundreds of dollars into the negative in my bank account and my mom wanted to take over my money and told me that she would give me daily assignments, etc. this was a very, very bad time in my life, right? well, I missed exactly two payments, right at the very beginning, because I was a gigantic loser. I made two whole payments in July, and then over the course of several weeks in august and september, I made a series of biweekly "payment and a half" so that it worked out so that I made the month's payment as well as an additional payment during that time.

today-- TODAY-- when I went through six ultra tampons, had been up since 5am coughing my ass off, got diagnosed with bronchitis, got the quit smoking speech, and waited 45 for my amoxicilin, and then worked 8 hours, I got a call because apparently I'm 51 days past due on my student loan payment. apparently the last payment made was in July. AND I KID YOU NOT this woman would not let me off the phone when I told her that I needed to figure out who was fucking cashing the checks I was sending if it wasn't who was supposed to be. she said, "so can you pay the past due amount?" and I said, "ma'am, I am a collector and I understand that you have a job to do, but if you don't have that money, it's something I have to look into further."

and I think that's part of why I'm so bad at my job. I'm way too sympathetic with my customers. people tell me that they don't have the money, and you know what? I fucking believe them. I'm like, shit, things really do suck right now, don't they? screw it, I'll leave you alone. my coworkers more have the attitude that our customers have to make money come from nowhere. people say they don't have money and my coworkers say, too bad, get the money. if I did that, I would do better at my job, I think.

I would just hate myself.

I hate that job.

I need things to move forward with rehab so I can do something else with my life.