niobe

I am numb.

I haven't been happy for a really long time. It's nothing in particular that makes me sad, it's just a bunch of shit that has compounded over time. I let everything get to me, but I don't do much about it. I just put on my smile and go on with my life. It seems like everything I do goes unnoticed. I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder for the next big disaster to hit my life. I feel like nothing excites me anymore, nothing makes me happy. Yesterday, I had this meeting with a woman to talk about my 401k options and I was on the verge of tears the whole time for no reason at all. And when I felt those big tears coming I tried to think of something happy to make them go away. Nothing came to mind so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom so I could pull myself together.

I went over to my mom's after work on Thursday and I really wanted to talk to her about his huge fight that I had been in with my husband. But it turns out that she had also been in a huge fight with her husband the night before as well. It was a pretty bad fight that ended with her calling the Family Violence Center and getting divorce papers. So even though I really wanted to talk about my petty fight it seemed pretty minimal compared to her fight. So I let it go. I let everything go. Everything is in the inside and it's eating me alive and I feel like I can't breath at times.

So yesterday I put up my journal just to let you guys know that I am not going to be around as much. I just need to, I don't even know. I have no idea what I am planning on accomplishing. I really don't. I think at times that the only thing that makes me happy is this site and the friends I have made. Which leads me to this. I am deleting all of my friends on here. I am sorry, but I have so many friends on this site and I feel like I can't keep up with all of you. I feel bad for that. I feel like a really shitty friend. I don't want to neglect any of you so I want to start over. This may seem super bitchy and not make much sense, but nothing in my life is making much sense at this moment. If you want to be added back on to my friends list feel free to drop me that friends request and I will add you in a heartbeat. That would make me happy knowing that you valued my friendship and wanted it back. Not to say that I don't value yours. But I guess it would look that way. I guess I am more or less doing it to see who my real friends are. I would like to flatter myself and think that all 71 of you would request my friendship back, but perhaps I am not worth your time. But please don't be offened that I have taken you off my list.

So to sum up, my life is at a really low spot right now and I am trying to get something straight with myself. I will return hard-core when I am feeling like my old self again.

I really do love you all very much. Friends new and old and friends that I have yet to make.

I don't want to be fake happy. I want to be real happy. I am tired of being fake. I am tired of trying to be something I am not.








If you believe in dreams, well it's more important that a dream can come true.