ninji

what counts


[insert an image that works for you right here right now]

allow
your
self
to
let
it
go.

don't pout
about it
just be
green about
it

all.

evergreen and blooming.
and when you
feel that fear
undo it. even
in the smallest
part of you,

undo.

Love, you are only learning
and
you can "be no"
"see no" "do no" wrong, in truth. and
don't you remember? all
that you are is,
is the truth
himself,
and her sweet self.

please do not forget this.
keep it in your front and
back pocket. you're a precious
jewel. and you're mine, too,
when i think it to be so.
and i 'm yours.
--------------------------------------------------------
i want you to ask me for things.
i want you to tell me what you want and know
that it's okay. to know that i've been humbled
and humbling all my life, and i've nothing more
to say.

i want you to know that i love to listen. that your
stories, your sparkle eyes, your fond imaginations
are never, ever boring to me.
need you to know that.

i want you to tell me when i overstep. but i know,
i know that i've not yet made my first babystep, my
second. i know it might be a while until you feel a need
to say that at all. if ever.

i want you to know that i love to think good thoughts
about you, just for the thinking's sake. for the loving's sake.

i want you to know that sometimes i try too hard to
prove my worthiness to you, and that this goes beyond
all my self-help books.

sometimes i'm more than a little selfish. more than a little pushy with you. sometimes can't just let the bad behavior "be" so that it might dissipate. need to put a label, tag, number on it so you know that i'm "on top of my game," as if there's really, truly such a thing as this "game."

i want you to know that sometimes i want to keep you
secret, stolen away, like a little dolly in a box, because
there's a wounded, threadbare girl inside me, and
sometimes

i have to leave the room, leave our space in order to talk to her...to convince her that there's so much more than enough.
(time, money, friends, lovers, new discoveries), and that we can share. you need to know that there's a time lag there, beloved.

that sometimes that little girl takes some convincing.
and i need you to hold fast with me through the talking.

i want you to know that i am beyond intense, and
that scares me, because i am barely beginning.

i want you to know that i love you strong, and i often play favorites, and that loving so hard sometimes scares me,
but it's the language i speak.
(so often, my dream police will blare the sirens when my babies change their minds, and disappear "we got a runner!" horns blare, i wake up just in time to see the backs of their heads, blurring into nowhere)

i want you to know that i'm afraid you'll abandon me when i need you most. and that feeling just plain sucks.

wanting you to know i'm an absolute beginner. more than a little insecure. that i press on somehow, anyway.

want you to know that i'm the kind of girl who'll hug you and hold on longer than i really, really should (that used to drive my parents absoutely batty).
--------------------------------------------------------

can i gift you with my love as round as earth?
wider that the universe herself?

the gift of this let-go-now talk, but deeper. a straight-up
spirit-to-spirit even transaction that goes beyond this bruised and purple prose,
lovingkindness that sucks the marrow out of bones,
straight-up better than the wettest kiss and lover, than the dizziest of drug injections

all bets are off with me. and if you love me through it, i promise you, your lovingkindness reaps enormous benefits. pays you back a millionfold. leaves you elevated. changed. enlivened. if there's one thing that i know, i know that love is a stream. an energetic stream that never, ever ages. changes.
we're tapping into the bone deep heart of it.

i'm so grateful, overjoyed that you're still standing with me. that you've come this far. that your eyes traipse across this in the right now moment, even if you never get to read this lovenote per se, you're feeling it. you must be.

what's all this, then?
something bone thug heart and soul true?
is there any way i can transfuse emote convey this that i feel to be true--
for every me, and every you???

ninji, 12/02