honeyflavored even when it rains
"Where we love, let us deepen that love through silent communion in the chambers of the heart. Where we experience conflict, let us find the soul of the other in silence, in prayer. Let us release to God our lack of harmony and ask Him to heal the harsh and broken connection between us." - Marianne Williamson
i'm getting it. just because i feel a love state, something that is self-generated, doesn't mean it has to be volleyed back like a wiffle ball.
my rulebook (2 pages deep, frayed at the edges, wrinkled from being dragged out of the trashcan) is pretty much feeling-based at this juncture. "how does this feel? better here...or here?"
and so on.
so, a boy i really adore (beginning 2 know?) is giving me big time yellow lights and red lights. not personal, i'm feeling, just bott's dots on the road. and big hesitation and all of that. life in the way. a geisha girl screen up. i see shadows only, and rarely at that.
i have a great imagination, too. big bonus.
it smarts, but in a sense, it's all i do. "whoa nelly" if need be. courteous, but big screens up, when i am not ready or not comfortable, or i'm preoccupied, or busy, or sad, in a bubbling mindstate, that is all i know to do. and that's fair. downshifting and all of that. so what? what of it.
and when people ask me what's up, i try to explain the best i can. but i know that i don't have to. and i don't always do such a crystalline job of it, either. so be it.
so this is the universe's koan, in the shape of a boy. no answers necessarily, here. hey, ji--get it?
realizations are coming to me at lightning speed, these days. especially because of my self/shelf-time hours i'm logging in. and long, luxurious sugarbaths. and getting rockbottom real with myself while somehow not bottoming out. every day is a miracle, delicate and dazzling. honeyflavored even in the middle of a sh*tload of pain. strangedizzying.
i get nancy drew-y sometimes. asking who. what. where. why. what. how. when really sometimes shizzz just IS. i'm honest to a fault and as days progress, Doc, the condition expands exponentially, i'm afraid. that surely doesn't mean it's your job to reflect or embody this way of being i'm taking on. yes, it lightens and frees me up, but that's my path (and believe you-me, it costs).
so i'd best learn to chill, and deal. you know. . . on the deeper level. like i say i want to. noble in theory, a bitch of a bear in practice.
true ground rock bottom level, i love everybody (as in noun). that's just the hippie in me. when i know i love you though (as in verb), well, i just know. even if it'll be the sort of not-so-best thing for me and might sort of suck. mostly, it doesn't. what would life be without a little feeling expansion, anyhoot. true love (beyond words) has to do with non-attachment. i'll leave it to the experts to explain what non-attachment means, but i know in my soul what it means, to me. it means when someone on the street asks me for money, sometimes i'll give, sometimes i'll politely refuse and whisper a prayer in my heart, an affirmation of truth, "you are self-sufficient. all the help and the love you need is in your heart at all times. and Go(o)d brings it to you, simply because you have breath."
so it is with newfound wonderboy and my sparklepop feelings, be they real, imagined, or somewhat in-between. what i can do right now is sit back and kind of chuckle at my life lesson. i love the little childgirl in me and this is helping me to adore jiji's heart so well.
she always gets so attached to her little friends. it's really adorable and i treasure her for it.
jiji is like a succulent cactus plant:
sometimes when someone comes up to you and shows her a bit of fireworks and nourishment, it's like they're watering a succulent cactus plant. these plants are self sufficient but they hold onto that water for a long time and can use very little tiny bits for nourishment...
for long periods of time.
long after you, and the droplets are vamoosed.
i shall wear this trait on littlechildji's behalf like a badge of honor, My Darlings.
-fin-
1 14 03
ninji
----------
the mystical recognition
when i was 2, and 3,
4, and 6, and skippping on up, it was just this way.
i'd pick you, and you were my boo.
i picked nathan and his sister tamara (nearly twins),
and gretchen,
and we were just joined at the hip.
and that was it.
then nathan, tamara, went back to england,
and gretchen went on with her gretchenness.
it's just always been this way.
all this time i'd thought
you were Golgotha.
come to see my
holy temple's
hallowed ground is
at the feet of
all these
other people.
-ninji
"Where we love, let us deepen that love through silent communion in the chambers of the heart. Where we experience conflict, let us find the soul of the other in silence, in prayer. Let us release to God our lack of harmony and ask Him to heal the harsh and broken connection between us." - Marianne Williamson
i'm getting it. just because i feel a love state, something that is self-generated, doesn't mean it has to be volleyed back like a wiffle ball.
my rulebook (2 pages deep, frayed at the edges, wrinkled from being dragged out of the trashcan) is pretty much feeling-based at this juncture. "how does this feel? better here...or here?"
and so on.
so, a boy i really adore (beginning 2 know?) is giving me big time yellow lights and red lights. not personal, i'm feeling, just bott's dots on the road. and big hesitation and all of that. life in the way. a geisha girl screen up. i see shadows only, and rarely at that.
i have a great imagination, too. big bonus.
it smarts, but in a sense, it's all i do. "whoa nelly" if need be. courteous, but big screens up, when i am not ready or not comfortable, or i'm preoccupied, or busy, or sad, in a bubbling mindstate, that is all i know to do. and that's fair. downshifting and all of that. so what? what of it.
and when people ask me what's up, i try to explain the best i can. but i know that i don't have to. and i don't always do such a crystalline job of it, either. so be it.
so this is the universe's koan, in the shape of a boy. no answers necessarily, here. hey, ji--get it?
realizations are coming to me at lightning speed, these days. especially because of my self/shelf-time hours i'm logging in. and long, luxurious sugarbaths. and getting rockbottom real with myself while somehow not bottoming out. every day is a miracle, delicate and dazzling. honeyflavored even in the middle of a sh*tload of pain. strangedizzying.
i get nancy drew-y sometimes. asking who. what. where. why. what. how. when really sometimes shizzz just IS. i'm honest to a fault and as days progress, Doc, the condition expands exponentially, i'm afraid. that surely doesn't mean it's your job to reflect or embody this way of being i'm taking on. yes, it lightens and frees me up, but that's my path (and believe you-me, it costs).
so i'd best learn to chill, and deal. you know. . . on the deeper level. like i say i want to. noble in theory, a bitch of a bear in practice.
true ground rock bottom level, i love everybody (as in noun). that's just the hippie in me. when i know i love you though (as in verb), well, i just know. even if it'll be the sort of not-so-best thing for me and might sort of suck. mostly, it doesn't. what would life be without a little feeling expansion, anyhoot. true love (beyond words) has to do with non-attachment. i'll leave it to the experts to explain what non-attachment means, but i know in my soul what it means, to me. it means when someone on the street asks me for money, sometimes i'll give, sometimes i'll politely refuse and whisper a prayer in my heart, an affirmation of truth, "you are self-sufficient. all the help and the love you need is in your heart at all times. and Go(o)d brings it to you, simply because you have breath."
so it is with newfound wonderboy and my sparklepop feelings, be they real, imagined, or somewhat in-between. what i can do right now is sit back and kind of chuckle at my life lesson. i love the little childgirl in me and this is helping me to adore jiji's heart so well.
she always gets so attached to her little friends. it's really adorable and i treasure her for it.
jiji is like a succulent cactus plant:
sometimes when someone comes up to you and shows her a bit of fireworks and nourishment, it's like they're watering a succulent cactus plant. these plants are self sufficient but they hold onto that water for a long time and can use very little tiny bits for nourishment...
for long periods of time.
long after you, and the droplets are vamoosed.
i shall wear this trait on littlechildji's behalf like a badge of honor, My Darlings.
-fin-
1 14 03
ninji
----------
the mystical recognition
when i was 2, and 3,
4, and 6, and skippping on up, it was just this way.
i'd pick you, and you were my boo.
i picked nathan and his sister tamara (nearly twins),
and gretchen,
and we were just joined at the hip.
and that was it.
then nathan, tamara, went back to england,
and gretchen went on with her gretchenness.
it's just always been this way.
all this time i'd thought
you were Golgotha.
come to see my
holy temple's
hallowed ground is
at the feet of
all these
other people.
-ninji
thanks for asking. i do appreciate it.