ninjapuffs

So, tonight I go to pick up my wife from work at 11. She informs me that she'll need the car for the evening because she is going off to a party. Part of me wanted to talk her our of it, but I didn't want to ruin her night. . . . . . .dunno why I'm still looking out for her.

I decide to go ahead and bring up the "Ground rules" discussion just to make sure that we're both definitely on the same page as far as relationship status goes. She again tells me "I thought I made it clear. We're separating, so it's fine to be seeing other people."

Oh I'm sorry, I thought we were married. But what the hell does that matter in this day and age, right?

I'm waiting for the Backwards drive-through chapel. It's in the works, I'm sure.

Anyway. . . . . .She goes upstairs to get all ready for her party and comes down a few minutes later in a skank skirt and hooker boots.
Now, if the situation between us were any different, I would probably use different terms to describe her outfit, but for the time being. . .
So she's off to hang with that random Modesto guy again. . . . .I'm holding out on names so I don't play the part of Complete and Total Douche Bag in this situation.

So, normally I've just been getting pissed off at her for all that has been going on, but now I feel I'm just getting pissed at the situation that I'm in. It sucks major balls, for lack of a more fitting analogy.

I hate being stuck like this. . . . .and I also hate that pretty much anyone and everyone that I know right now is in a great relationship, so I don't have a damn person to relate to. . . . .the thing I miss the most is receiving any affection........................any support....................................................................any love.......................................................................................................................................................



Now it's just nothing...................................................................................................................................................................................................................



What the hell happened?


Where did it all go wrong?


Am I really that insignificant that she can just walk away from me like I'm nothing?


Did all the love we made mean nothing but shit to her?


Have I just simply been getting used all this time?


Where the hell do I go from here?


It's so damn easy to say that I just have to move on and keep on living life, but tell me...........how and the hell am I supposed to do that......Just, how?


I've been wishing that i had a time machine for the past two weeks, but even if I had one what could I do?


What the hell could I possibly change to turn things around for the better?


From the sounds of things, she stopped loving me awhile ago. . . . . . .so why and the hell did she still tell me she loved me?


It's not as if she ever showed it or anything. . . . she never did anything to express her affection and love to me. . . . . . . . . . . . .I'm seriously beginning to wonder. . . . . .what the hell did she ever see in me?


Was she just simply attracted to me, and nothing more?


And was the idea of getting married merely a fulfillment of a childhood dream?


I don't think she ever truly loved me. . . . . .I always felt that she had a hard time of showing it, but loved the hell out of her anyway. . . . . . .




Well I can sit here and say that I plan on moving on with life all I want. . . . . . .but I don't know where I'm headed. . . . .

Just surviving at this point. . . . .that's all I have, and I'll keep hold as long as I fucking can.