All my adult life I’ve been ashamed of being a man – ashamed of how we treat women, how we behave, oh so much. All my life (as far back as I can remember) I’ve disliked males. For most of my life, I’ve not been comfortable as a man. All my life (since perhaps a bit before I knew what feminism was) I’ve been a feminist. Disentangling all of this is, for me, impossible. And disentangling all this from my upbringing, also impossible.
I’ve felt for a long time that I’m not a man, that I’m a woman. But there’s been this niggling doubt. Aren’t I wanting to be a woman so that I won’t have to be a man? If I’m a woman, after all, there’s no need for me to feel shame about being a man – ditching decades of shame (that a part of me is telling me I don’t really deserve anyway) is so tempting.
So I’ve ignored it – it’s probably not real, just a cop out. After all, I despise men – how much easier if I’m not one. So yeah, probably not real.
And yet, and yet. The idea, the feeling, never went away. For quite some time I’ve had my nails done, worn makeup occasionally, been all dead girly really, in some ways. Some people have assumed, I now learn, that I was a trans woman already. Hm, OK. But I was just doing something that I have always wanted to do. I’ve always liked jewellery, makeup, nails, and women’s clothes, to be honest. I just never had the guts to do it until recently.
I was at my daughter’s wedding, among friends. I had my nails done, wore a little makeup, and everyone was fine with it. And so I thought that it was now or never. Sod the rest of the world, if I don’t do it now, I never will. Fast forward to only a few months ago, when I realised that I am at least non binary. I told HR I’m ‘they’.
Suicide Girls. My family, as near as makes no difference. Girls, anyway. The acceptance I got here, once I started telling people here, changed everything, and I want to call out here the main SGs who by their caring and acceptance led me to where I am now - @ghostleeb, @luciloser, and last but not not not really not least, @redberry. I told HR I’m ‘she’.
And here I am. No guilt, no shame. My friend Casey called me ‘sister’. I like that. So all that nastiness is gone. Now I have fear, uncertainty, and dread. But that’s better, and I trust it will fade with time.
I could change my name – as I was Nicholas, I can easily go from Nik to Nikkie (as I have), but why not change my name completely? How about to my absolute all-time favourite girl’s name? Don’t know what @luciloser would have to say, but if I did change to my favourite name, I’d be Lucy Berry. Ooh, I like that.
Tell you what, please select a new name for me in the comments. Both of you readers.
